Open (Fake) Letter to Roger Goodell

Dear Roger,

We got your letter, Commish. We know what you're saying. You just want to talk with the players, keep up the negotiations and completely bypass our trade association as well as the fact that we're suing you. On behalf of the Chicago Bears, I just want to say that we can be down with that, if and only if you cede to these demands:

1. We want our meetings in Chicago. Why? Better food, better people and no traffic jams when the president wants to take a trip across town.

2. The food? Italian beefs and pizza. That's just how we roll.

3. Every time he enters the room, Devin Hester insists that you stand up and yell, "DEVIN HESTER, YOU ARE RI-DIC-ULOUS!"

4. No mention of Jay Cutler's knee is to be made. EVER.

5. Brian Urlacher will be allowed to tackle an owner every time he says something stupid. He'll probably get tired of it eventually, because, let's be honest, he'll have a lot of tackling to do.

6. During our break, Earl Bennett and Johnny Knox will have a bench press contest. You will spot them.

7. Sacks will not be brought up. In fact, the number 57 may not be uttered even once.

8. Staley the Bear will be considered a player for these negotiations.

9. We want a gold plated telephone. We know that telephones are pretty much outdated technology, but they had a gold phone on "Godfather II" and it was pretty cool.

These demands may seem insane, but they're nowhere near as nuts as you circumventing the system. Let us know if you're amenable.

Best regards,

Robbie Gould*
Bears Player Rep

* Robbie Gould didn't actually write this. We're just making jokes.