Did you go to your high school reunion? Was the hot girl still hot? Did the dorky girl finally come out of her shell? Were you satisfied with your life in comparison to your classmates?
The Bears are about to experience that same thing. Chicago native Donovan McNabb and former whipping boy "Sexy" Rex Grossman are getting glammed up for a return trip to the city by the lake. And they're hoping to make us jealous.
Here we are with our arm around Jay Cutler, his thoughts jarred loose by concussions and his body bruised from dozens of sacks. This is the girl we brought to the reunion. We secretly hope McNabb and Grossman don't turn us on. That would be bad. We've gotta go home with Jay at the end of the night.
It's doubtful we'll have any remorse about ditching Sexy Rexy. We already have a quarterback who's more than capable of winging endless interceptions, thankyouverymuch. Grossman tells the Washington Post he expects to be booed. That's unlikely. We'd have to care to boo. Grossman is the girl we dated because we just needed someone to take to dances and everyone else was taken. He's our fallback. He's our Snooki.
But McNabb ... McNabb was the bombshell who never gave us the time of day. The girl next door. She grew up smoking hot, then ran away, leaving us to court Plain Janes like Brian Griese and Neckbeard. We always carried a torch for McNabb. Every year, the Eagles would step to the verge of dumping him and we slicked back our hair and bought a dozen roses. And every year, the Eagles took him back. We threw the roses in the trash and got drunk.
We wrote secret notes to Donovan. "We'd be so good together, baby. Philly can't love you like Chi-town. Come home and let's make sweet championships." But we never sent them. Donovan had a thing for his jerk of a boyfriend. He refused to leave Philadelphia until Andy Reid shoved him out the door for the thrill of a pretty, young Kevin Kolb and a dangerous affair with Michael Vick.
This Sunday, Donovan comes home with a 3-3 record and a little less tread on the tires. But in our memory, he still has the glow of the girl we grew up with. And we secretly wish he'd choose us, even though we know it wouldn't last.
Chicago Bears
So we'll trade stories and have a few laughs. We'll swap interceptions and laugh under our breath when Jay gets crumpled in half by a monster blitz. We may even let Donovan run for a few yards, just to let him remember how it felt to have the Chicago wind blowing through his helmet.
But our glory days were long ago. None of us look as good as we did in the '80s.
