* I'm in hell this week. We're giving away Jimmy Buffett tickets, so we're playing his music and showing his fat, bloated face all morning, every morning. As previously established, I hate Jimmy Buffett. He's playing with the "Coral Reefer Band." Get it? 'Cause "reefer" means "marijuana."
I shall refuse to play in to your shenanigans, you hack. I will refer to you and your group of drug-addled minstrels as "No-Talent Jimmy the Douche and the Stoned Idiot Jag-weeds Who Couldn't Be Bothered to Get a Real Job."
* Finally, that "Star Trek" cologne is out. (Just $30 to smell like the opposite of what women find attractive.)
* If you are cheating on your wife with three different women, you might deserve having them all find out, only to get blindfolded, tied to a bed, punched in the face, taunted and having your penis super-glued to your stomach. But even that seems excessive.
* O.J. Simpson may be released from prison. EVERYBODY PANIC!
* One of the best reasons to watch "Mad Men" is Christina Hendricks. She's basically Jessica Rabbit come to life. Such women do not exist in real life.
* You know your bachelor party has derailed when it results in a news story with the sentence, "As she was performing her routine the man felt a sharp pain and the sex toy enter his anus."
* The best moment of your day is :41 into this video. Wait for it.
* "CSI" thinks their ratings dropped last season because of Laurence Fishburne's clothes. I don't watch the show, but I hear he was wearing his old "Cowboy Curtis" chaps... and nothing else.
* Twice as many people use antidepressants today compared to ten years ago. Probably because so many of us have thrown our lives away, based on the advice of Jimmy Buffett.
* One body. 220 flag tattoos. One cautionary tale.
* Video games lack female and minority characters. Not true. They are just some of the many victims available to you in the "Grand Theft Auto" series.
* Men spend a year of their lives staring at women. And then their lease runs out and they move away, unaware of how your constant stare was just a hint of the bottomless love you could provide if they would only reciprocate...
* Bad: The death of your five week old baby boy.
Worse: Being fined $144 when you don't wrap up your grief and leave the crematorium in a hurry.
* Children as young as 3 can be depressed. Probably because of the neglect and constant drug use of their idiot Parrothead parents.
* Michael Jackson wanted to star in the Spider-Man movie. Can you imagine the sexual tension between him and Kirsten Dunst?
* Women are more attracted to men if they believe they will help out with household chores. But he actually does chores, he's not a man at all, but a woman in disguise. (That sentiment courtesy of the 1918 Vaudeville Vault.)
* If you live with a lover, you are going to get fat. And if your only companion is loneliness, the bitter solitude will gnaw away at your body, leaving you with a six pack that no one will ever see... until your autopsy.
* If you want to save the planet, have fewer kids. If you've already had children, go ahead and smother the one who likes Jimmy Buffett the best. You owe it to your planet.
* 18 clever time-savers. (#12 - Stop bathing.)
* If you ingest something poisonous and need to disgorge it from your stomach, I recommend viewing the video of "The View" co-host Sherrie Shepherd getting a bikini wax.
* It is part of the Man Code™ that I frown on damage to the Man Zone. But if you go to this much trouble, I will allow you a single golf clap.
