Power rankings. You hate them. They’re so arbitrary and pointless, especially when they include all 32 NFL teams. All you want to know after a good week of NFL action is who the bestest team in the NFL right now, and which one is the absolute worst. The one so awful, Charlie Sheen would happily toss it into a closet and hope no one discovers it as he runs nude laps around the hotel floor. That’s why we have TOP AND BOTTOM OF THE NFL, where we go to great lengths to tell you who’s the top dog in football right now, this very minute. LET’S GO!
THE TOP: New England Patriots
Guhhhhhhhhhhhh. This Randy Moss trade has made the Patriots impossibly annoying once more. Every Pats fan in the universe is walking around now with a smug look of satisfaction on their face, screaming to anyone passing by that the Pats are finally back to being the Pats of old and letting you know their team is way smarter than yours. And this is true.
The Patriots are back to playing fundamentally good football and being content to let other teams fall to pieces in the face of their unyielding levelheadedness. Twice yesterday, New England was the beneficiary of two huge freak plays, the first being Brandon Tate’s remarkable TD catch that somehow went through the closing hands of Vikings safety Madieu Williams, the second being Devin McCourty’s pick that bounced off of Percy Harvin’s body.
Both are the kinds of goofy plays that only seem to happen to the likes of the Pats and Colts: Very well-run teams that earn their luck by being that much more aware than the team they’re playing. God, I hate them.
THE BOTTOM: Buffalo Bills
This poor, poor team. Every week they give their all, but it’s never enough because they’re so uniformly terrible. They don’t deserve to be here in the bottom. Not when Dallas and Minnesota are busy being the two worst coached teams in the history of the universe.
Alas, these Bills are still winless. They couldn’t even manage a TIE. They were so close to half-winning against the Chiefs. At least it wouldn’t have been a loss! But there was Ryan Succop at the end, kicking the Bills while they were already down. I just want to take the Bills in and feed them some hot chicken stock. And now they have to go play in Canada! They’re like a police detective that’s been assigned to Alaska despite being a nice person.
I will say this about Buffalo, though: They aren’t going 0-16. I guarantee it. They’ll win a game somewhere before the end of this year. And when they get that win, well then you Cowboys best put on your finest basement-dwellin’ gear.