In case you missed it while you were drinking gravy straight from the boat this Thanksgiving, Lions DT Ndamukong Suh ruined the holiday for EVERYONE when he pulled an Albert Haynesworth and stomped on Packers' lineman Evan Dietrich-Smith. You can watch the play here, if you're the sort of person who likes having their delicate sensibilities shattered by outright displays of THUGGITY THUGNESS.
Jay Glazer has already reported that Suh will be suspended one or two games for the incident, which strikes me as a touch light considering that Suh was, you know, flagrantly assaulting a guy after a play. To figure out the proper punishment for Suh, we need to look back at the head-stomping incident that got Haynesworth a five-game boot from the Ginger Hammer. I've studied both tapes and there are some pointed differences. And now I'd like to present to you this handy guide for figuring out which incident should anger you more:
CASUAL CRUELTY: ADVANTAGE HAYNESWORTH
Unlike Suh, who is clearly in a fit of rage while pounding Dietrich-Smith's head into the turf, Haynesworth steps on Gurode's head in an almost cavalier manner, as if he'd just been presented with a fabulous opportunity to be a complete boor. It's a much lazier stomping, the kind of arrogant move only someone like Haynesworth could pull off. At least Suh CARED about stomping on his victim. Haynesworth treated it like a walk in the park, which I personally find much more alarming.
PAIN INFLICTED: ADVANTAGE HAYNESWORTH
Both men stepped on areas featuring bare skin, but Haynesworth stepped on Gurode's head while he WASN'T WEARING A HELMET. Also, Haynesworth was playing on a grass surface, which means he was probably wearing longer cleats that RAKED across poor Gurode's face. You can see Gurode clutching his face with a towel after the attack. He looks like the victim of a terrorist attack being escorted away from the bomb site.
LENGTH OF ENGAGEMENT: ADVANTAGE SUH
While Haynesworth's stomp was more painful, it was also over quickly. Suh, on the other hand, would have just kept on ramming Dietrich-Smith's head until the end of time if no one had stepped in to stop him. Take it from someone who played football: When someone grabs your helmet deliberately and starts ramming your head with it, it's unpleasant. You feel very much like someone is trying to break your neck.
WEIGHT: ADVANTAGE HAYNESWORTH
Haynesworth is listed at 350. Suh is listed at 307. HOWEVER, please note that Suh took care to STOMP on his victim, whereas Haynesworth's attack was more of a step. The force of weight between the two acts may have been similar when you take that into account.
LONGER SUSPENSION: ADVANTAGE HAYNESWORTH
Haynesworth got five games for his attack, so it stands to reason that Suh should get a similar punishment. I don't see how you can suspend him for one game and deem Haynesworth's step five times worse. To me, Suh's suspension should be closer to three or four games. Otherwise, Skip Bayless won't be able to sleep at night.