Alfonso Soriano is batting .400, and has two home runs, one for each game. He will win the Triple Crown, break Joe DiMaggio's consecutive hitting-in-game streak, and will not be given a single ticket for his insane automobile. (That last one will probably be true.)
Ryan Dempster's rocky start means that he will be pulled from the line-up immediately. He will go to Canada for a week to sulk, but then will come back, go to his favorite Starbucks on Southport, and win 20 games.
Despondent about starting the season with a loss, Neal Cotts will cut all his hair off. This will create a reverse Sampson effect, and he will not allow a run to score until June, when it's just about time for another haircut.
Derrek Lee -- who at 33, is not old, darnit! -- will play all 162 games, just to prove that he isn't old.
Mike Fontenot, elated by his chances to start, will grow six inches taller. Unfortunately, that will end his ritual with Carlos Zambrano where Big Z pound little Mike into the ground.
Milton Bradley will continue on the calm, clear path he has started on this season. When asked about how he has found such inner peace, he will attribute it to another famous Chicago resident. He will claim that the trade to the Cubs was his A-ha moment, and he's just trying to live his best life.
Lou Piniella, inspired by his once mercurial outfielder, goes on Oprah to ask her advice to help the team win a World Series. After Oprah tells him to focus on what he does have, not what he doesn't have, he says that it's the stupidest thing he's ever heard. His team doesn't have a World Series championship, and throws a chair into the video screen. Oprah and Lou never talk again.