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We don't know for sure how our esteemed politicians are celebrating Columbus Day today, but we'll take our best guesses.
RICHARD M. DALEY: Sending extra parking ticket writers out to exploit drivers who mistakenly think they don't have to feed the meters today. Boot crews will follow.
TODD STROGER: Making special Columbus Day hires. Interested applicants should gather around his locker at the East Bank Club.
BARACK OBAMA: Accepting award for being the real founder of America, though acknowledging he really doesn't deserve it.
PAT QUINN: Not sure if he'll give a Columbus Day speech or not; will decide next week. Or set up a task force.
DAN HYNES: Calculating lost man-hours due to the holiday for every governmental unit in Illinois and entering it onto a a new Lotus spreadsheet that really rules.
ROLAND BURRIS: Pretending he is a U.S. senator.
ROD BLAGOJEVICH: Giving Columbus Day speech in his backyard. Fox News will carry live.
PATTI BLAGOJEVICH: Selling tickets to husband's speech.
MICHAEL MADIGAN: Working as if it's just another day, because the devil's minions don't get days off.
ED BURKE: See Michael Madigan.