Chicago's Budget Is So Bad . . .

Oh it's bad

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    NEWSLETTERS

    TK
    These ideas may be laughable, but then again ...

    Mayor Daley is scheduled to give his annual budget address this morning and the city's finances look so grim we wouldn't be surprised to hear the following proposals.

    - All cronies must take three furlough days in 2010.

    - No-bid contracts will become oral no-bid contracts to save on paper.

    - Water meters will be privatized; you'll have to feed them every 15 minutes.

    - Venetian Night will be replaced by Venetian Casino Night.

    - All backroom deals will now be made in the less expensive front room.

    - Red-light cameras will be replaced by green-light cameras. You will be billed for each one you go through.

    - All ghost payrollers must now show up at City Hall twice a month to collect their checks to save on postage.

    - Brown paper bags used to transport cash will be replaced by plastic bags salvaged from Jewel parking lots.

    - City workers must now use their own vehicles to sleep in during their shifts instead of city vehicles.

    - City will outsource mob connections to southern, union-free Outfit.

    Steve Rhodes is the proprietor of The Beachwood Reporter, a Chicago-centric news and culture review.