Being a Cheapskate is a No-Sex Guarantee

Sex 911: Confessions of a Serial Dater

By JON IBRAHIM

Updated 3:33 PM CST, Thu, Nov 13, 2008

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As much of social butterfly as I am, some nights I want to sit home and just chill. Not long ago a gal pal of mine called me on one of those nights and said she wouldn't mind "vegging" with me. She said she'd even bring the booze. That's a tough offer to refuse, right?

The munchies set in and we decided to order a pizza. Normally beer, pizza, and a hottie on my couch would get no complaints from me, but the problem with this girl is that she insists on paying for everything, and it drives me nuts. When the doorbell rang we made a mad dash for the door and both stuck the money in the poor pizza guy's face fighting over who was gonna pay. But because she has bigger boobs than me, he took her money instead of mine. It bugs the crap out of me because I feel like if a guy allows a woman to pay it makes him look cheap, and I hate cheap people.

You know who else hates cheap guys? Women. Take it from me guys, women think cheap men are the ultimate turnoff.

So what makes a person cheap? It's a guy who is financially stable but for some reason insists on squeezing the life out of a nickel -- even on dates. Now granted, the economy sucks right now so I understand the need to be somewhat frugal. Sometimes tough decisions must be made. But if you want to maintain any sort of sex life, expecting women to spring for portions of the date shouldn't be one of them. You might as well tell her you have an unidentified rash on your privates. It'll have the same end result.

And since we're on the subject of girls paying, it's worth mentioning a fascinating phenomenon that far too many clueless saps fall victim to: when a girl pulls money out of her purse creating the facade that she's prepared to pay her share. Heed my warning -- don't let her do it! Oh sure she'll actually go through with paying if you take the bait, but trust me, she ain't gonna like it. Instant turnoff.

So why the hell are they offering if they don't really want to pay? Duh! They're just trying to be nice. They don't want you to think they're the type that expects a guy to pay, even though most secretly do. It's just one of those little mandatory dating rules. You just have to suck it up and accept it. Or better yet, put a positive spin on it and think of it this way; it gives you a chance to be chivalrous, which any gal will tell you is pretty rare these days.

At least the guys who didn't know about that whole "girl offering to pay" thing can plead ignorance, but there are actually dudes out there who intentionally ask women for their share of the tab. Yeah, you heard that right. If you're one of those dumbbells, you might as well throw your condoms away because you won't be needing them anytime soon.

Now I'm not implying that women are money-grubbers and that it's an unspoken ultimatum that if you don't pay, you don't play. It's not about the money. It's about what being cheap says about you.

Most women believe that if a guy is cheap, it says he's self-absorbed and selfish. And he's probably that way in bed, too. Women are very analytical. They find meaning in everything.

Now certainly there are women out there who insist on paying their own way because they don't want the guy to think he's getting sex just because he paid for dinner. Really? In this day and age do guys seriously expect that? Call me crazy, girls, but if you think that's a possibility, then why are you going out with someone like that in the first place? Chew on that one!

It might be old fashioned to say the guy should do the paying, but that's the way it is. It's the politics of dating. Most women I polled said they never expect a guy to pay, yet they admit they're still turned off when the guy accepts their offer to pay. Confused? Yeah me too, but it wouldn't be the first time women were accused of being confusing where sex and dating are concerned.

So if you're having a great date and you feel the sexual chemistry brewing, tell her to put her money away. Insist on it. Only the cheapos do the contrary. Try not to complain about the cost of the lobster bisque she ordered when you get the check. It won't go over so well, and it definitely will do nothing for your sex life.