The editor-in-chief of the Sun-Times announced his resignation on Wednesday. Here are some possible replacements and what they would do to save the paper.
Oprah Winfrey. Free gifts under the seats of all CTA readers.
Citizen Editor For A Day. New mascot Poochy the Dog could select you!
Pete Wentz. Introducing the nation's first emo daily. New slogan: "The Tribune sucks like my parents, man!"
Jay Mariotti. News would start on the back page with his column on the front. Website URL would be changed to jaymarriottissuntimes.com.
Steve Stone. Would predict the news events to come each day with 99 percent accuracy.
Chicago 2016. Wouldn't want to change a thing.
Drew Peterson. Wouldn't want to change a thing.
Charlie Trotter. Would break paper up into smaller papers published several times a day.
Carlos Zambrano. Would use more flammable newsprint.
Rod Blagojevich. He'd just want to help people, and if that means giving generously in return for a front-page story, so be it.