Aw, come on, Ozzie? You couldn't give us anything?
Here we are, all ready for you to be awesome and hilarious and crazy on national television -- you know, all the things you normally are when reporters put a microphone in front of your face. And instead we get ... nothing. No inappropriate swear words. No veiled insults. No crazy theories about disrespect. Nothing.
Instead, you give us giggly, happy-go-lucky Ozzie, a man in apparent full control of his synapses. This is not what we bargained for.
No, Ozzie's first night as a World Series analyst for Fox Sports went about as poorly as can be imagined. Not only was Ozzie not Ozzie, he wasn't much of an analyst, either. He recited plenty of platitudes about liking "the way the Phillies play baseball" and made sure to mention that Game 2 was "huge." He discussed Alex Rodriguez's impressive postseason and pressure-packed World Series appearance. And he laughed when Fox's anchorman accused him of being a member of the media. (Ozzie's response: "Fox family is all right ... not member of the media.")
There wasn't really a single quotable thing to come out of Wednesday night's media debut. Maybe the best thing about Ozzie was his jacket, which featured some sort of thick plaid stripe that reflected the Fox camera's lights in a slightly purple hue. That was weird. But other than that, Ozzie was pretty silent. And if you know Ozzie, you know that's the most surprising outcome of all.
In any case, this can't last long. Be sure to check back tomorrow. The longer the man is around a microphone, the better the chance something awesome happens. Until then.
Eamonn Brennan is a Chicago-based writer, editor and blogger. He is the editor of Yahoo! Sports's college basketball blog The Dagger and a contributor to Inside The Hall. Follow him at his personal site, eamonnbrennan.com, or on Twitter.