Spoiler alert: Rod Blagojevich is the most boring reality TV show contestant of all time ever.
The odd man out on a show peopled by oddballs, the disgraced former governor was an easy target for his celebrities-in-arms. They couldn't quite understand what he was doing there, and who could blame them.
They're all on the downslope. Blagojevich considers "Apprentice" to be part of his climb to fame.
But that didn't make him much fun to watch, despite the awesome material: Blago's team, RockSolid -- suggested by project manager Brett Michaels, and sadly not a reference to testicular fortitude -- was tasked with running a restaurant. Blago's job: sous chef and waiter.
"I didn't cook at all, as governor," Blago said to the camera. "I was cooking up results for the people, right?"
He cooked up a heaping plate of boredom, really. Because Blago's appearance was nothing more than a defense strategy for his upcoming trial. The plan:
- Gain an audience of millions every Sunday night by appearing on a show known for its conniving and backstabbing -- then do no backstabbing at all.
Blago's hardly in the show. Besides a few colorful turns of phrase -- e.g., on planning for the challenge: "We're prematurely ejaculating, we need more foreplay" -- the disgraced Gov. was mostly absent. The producers even made a point of showing how he doesn't participate with his teammates.
He made only two memorable appearances: when he left Joan Rivers' hamburger waiting at pick-up for ten minutes, and when he tried to explain that mistake to Trump.
Trump: Did you talk to too many people before picking up Joan's food?
Blago: Um, uh, ah, I don't recall exactly.
So Rod Blagojevich isn't conniving, he's just feckless. He's phoning it in, just like he did, literally, while governor.
- Gain the approbation of Donald Trump -- a man who, if not exactly known for his virtues, is admired for his Scrooge McDuckian money bin.
At one point during the show, Trump literally said he approved that Blago was still fighting. This is Leibniz's Law applied to pop culture: Making money is good. Trump has lots of money. Trump likes Blago. Blago must be good.
- And perhaps most importantly, place yourself into the celebrity reality show cycle -- an infinite moebius strip of exposure that requires only a blatant shamelessness (or willingness to self-immolate). He's here forever. He doesn't live in the statehouse, he lives in your TV.
Bet on it: Ten years from now your kid's gonna point at the tube and say who's Rod Blagojevich, and why is he hosting Who Wants To Be a Famous for Being Infamous Millionaire?
Not much humor there, sadly.
Illinois seems to be mired in unending gubernatorial drama: bereft of a Democratic nominee for Lt. Gov., only recently settled on a nominee from the GOP, and forced to suffer the shenanigans of its fallen governor on national television.
Painful for us. And the only one who wins -- even if he loses -- is Blagojevich.