Jon & Kate Can Only Be Killed With Silver Bullets

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    NEWSLETTERS

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    Jon and Kate Gosselin were taking in $75,000 an episode on their TLC reality show, "Jon and Kate Plus 8" before they split.

    As you know, there were reports earlier today that TLC had decided to end "Kate Plus Eight "(formerly "Jon & Kate Plus Eight") after Jon Gosselin -- who I assume always has the exact same odor as half a can of Coors Light that’s been left in the sun for a week -- forbade TLC camera crews from filming his eight children.

    But there’s a conflicting report over at TV Guide today, where a representative for the show says that the show WILL go on in some form or another: 

    "Jon & Kate Plus 8, the old incarnation, is over, as was announced a month ago. The show is not done. There is still every intention of the new incarnation to happen," Laurie Goldberg said. "It won't start Nov. 2, but we hope to do Kate Plus Eight — whether it becomes a full series or a series of specials."…

    "If this works out, we will film the kids again," Goldberg said. "No matter what, we're doing a show with Kate."

    People, we were THIS close to finally being rid of this family for good.

    I had a whole post-J&K future planned out for myself. I was finally ready to browse supermarket tabloids again. I was going to switch over to watching that show about the Duggar clan and hope THEY go through a bitter, acrimonious separation. I was going to get rid of this stupid Flock of Seagulls haircut that Kate inspired me to have done. I was going to get ready for the inevitable Balloon Boy reality show. That was going to my future. It was going to be filled with sunshine and rainbows and take me far, far away from these hideous people.

    But no. No, TLC just won’t let these people die. TLC won’t let us be happy. They’ll stop at nothing until our lives are a giant sucking 24-hour vortex centered around a complete idiot and a total shrew. It’s possible Jon & Kate aren’t even human, but rather a rare species of the undead that we have yet to identify.

    It’s clear now what we must do, America. Simply ignoring Jon & Kate and not watching their pointless show clearly, hoping they fade into deserved oblivion isn’t working. Something more proactive must be done. Find all the wooden stakes and garlic you can. By day, we’ll seek out their crypt and STRIKE! STRIKE, I TELL YOU! We must do this, lest those two come and eat our brains, if they have not done so already.

    And then, we can at last retreat to the J&K+8-free world that we were all so very much looking forward to. Join me. Join me and FIGHT.

    Drew Magary is a co-founder of Kissing Suzy Kolber, a writer for Blue Star and Deadspin, and author of Men With Balls, now in bookstores.