For 364 days a year, all that matters is what kind of music YOU like. But on Sunday, when the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards show comes on, it is the opinion of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences of the United States that counts.
We crunched the numbers, evaluated the contenders and channeled the academy's decision-making process to figure out who will win and who will be left sitting there in the audience, trying to hide their shame, rage and disappointment. Here's what we came up with for the Best Male Pop Vocal category. The best news? This year, the category is 100% John Mayer free!:
The Breakdown: Preferred latter day artist of The Onion’s Smoov B, Legend has become the go-to vocalist for people looking to conceive a child without R. Kelly’s help. This is a very nice song, but it lacks punch in the chorus, which seems to be a constant problem with a lot of Legend’s songs. As always, Legend is a classy guy who makes very pretty, but not terribly memorable, music. VERDICT: Loser.
”Love You,” by Maxwell
The Breakdown: It’s complete inappropriate that I see Maxwell nominated in this category and keep confusing him with Rockwell. I ALWAYS FEEL THAT… SOMEBODY’S WATCHIN’ ME! Anyway, Maxwell is a great story because he disappeared for eight years, only to come back with “Black Summers’ Night,” the first of a trilogy of albums he plans to release over the next three years. But if you thought Legend’s song had a weak chorus, this song doesn’t even bother to HAVE one. It sounds like Maxwell wrote it while he was singing it. Maxwell’s vocal performance on this track makes him the most deserving the category, but it won’t be enough. VERDICT: Loser
”Make It Mine, by Jason Mraz
The Breakdown: Mraz should punished merely for wearing those annoying hats. Anyway, if Mraz was going to win a Grammy, it would have been last year for his smash hit “I’m Yours.” VERDICT: Loser
”If You Don’t Know Me By Now,” by Seal
The Breakdown: Oh, come on. A cover song? At least the other guys in this category bothered to sing something NEW. It’s like the Grammy voters are bending over backwards to show you their AARP cards. “Hey, Seal! We’ve heard of him! And we’ve heard of that song! Let’s nominate him!” VERDICT: Loser
”All About The Love Again,” by Stevie Wonder
The Breakdown: Oldest artist here? Everyone’s heard of him? The song is mildly pleasant? COME GET YOUR TROPHY, MR. WONDER! Verdict: WINNER!