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The Online Dating Guide to Governing Illinois

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The Online Dating Guide to Governing Illinois

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This Pat Quinn-Scott Lee Cohen telenovela is about to turn into a battle between Team Scott and Team Sheila.

Back in February, Pat -- who barely knew Scott before their arranged marriage -- found out his new partner had shot up steroids and allegedly held a knife to an old girlfriend’s throat. That was way too much baggage for Pat. He dumped Scott, and decided to try Internet dating instead, putting up a personal ad on the Democratic Party’s website.

That’s how Pat met Sheila. Pat and Sheila get along great. Sheila comes from a good family -- Pat used to work with her father -- and they go on lunch dates and take road trips all over Illinois.

Scott took the breakup pretty hard. He gave an interview to Chicago magazine accusing Pat of not wanting to be in an inter-faith relationship.

“They don’t want me because I’m Jewish,” Scott wailed.

Which explains why Pat dumped Scott for that toothy, down-home shiksa who plays the banjo.

The break-up was especially hard because Scott had to see Pat and Sheila together on TV. There was the happy couple in Springfield, smiling together onstage after Pat announced the engagement. Then they were at Manny’s Deli, sharing a laugh over pastrami sandwiches.

So Scott’s decided to get back at those two. Scott told his friend Mike, who is speaker of the state House of Representatives, that he's still mad about the way Pat  treated him, and that since Pat won’t have him as lieutenant governor, he’s going to run for governor himself.

Last week, Scott ran into his ex at a White Sox game. He told Pat to “get ready for a big surprise.”

Pat pretended not to care. But his words gave away his true feelings.

“I believe in democracy, I believe in competition,” Pat told a gossip columnist for the Pantagraph. “If he can get the signatures ... you can do whatever you want.”

Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship knows what “You can do whatever you want” means. It means Scott better not go messing with Pat’s new romance.

But Pat dumped Scott. That means Scott can do whatever he wants. To run for governor, Scott needs to collect 25,000 signatures. That’s where you, the voters, come in. Are you on Team Scott, or Team Sheila?

If you think Pat shouldn’t have dumped Scott for that Downstate tramp, sign his petitions. If you think Sheila is way better for Pat, and that Scott should just get over it and find another state that will have him as lieutenant governor, then vote for the Democratic ticket in November.

Just remember, if Scott does get enough signatures to run for governor, he’s going to need a running mate of his own.

You can bet he’ll try to find someone way more fun than Sheila.

 

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