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Weak Market for Used Politicians

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Would You Buy A Used Politician?
Would You Buy A Used Politician?

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Scott Lee Cohen tried to pawn himself off on the Democratic committeemen of the 5th state senate district, but it turns out they didn’t want a used candidate. Especially when they couldn’t determine what brand he was.

“They weren’t really sure he was a Democrat, even though he won the lieutenant governor’s seat,” said Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White, committeeman of the 27th Ward. “When you run as an independent, the question is really are you a Democrat or a Republican or an independent?”

Unlike on the History Channel’s Pawn Stars, the committeemen couldn’t bring in an expert to examine Cohen, and see if he has a little donkey tattoo, so they passed. Cohen has now been shopped around as much as a Sears electric guitar, but he’s still not finding any buyers. In the last year, he’s run for lieutenant governor, governor and now state senator, and all he’s gotten out of it is bad local celebrity.

At this point, Cohen is only seeking office to embarrass the Democratic Party. It’s working. He’s now such a reliable political freak that the Sun-Times’ headline about the meeting to replace Sen. Rickey Hendon didn’t even mention the new senator’s name. It read “Scott Lee Cohen won’t get state senate seat.” Scott Lee Cohen not getting an office is news?

The winner, who rated a brief mention in the first paragraph, was state Rep. Annazette Collins, a former prison guard who has served the West Side in the state house since 2001.

That’s good news for Scott Lee Cohen, because it means the state representative’s office is now vacant. I can just hear the committeemen when Cohen presents his credentials: “Look, you brought that in last week. I told you, we’re not buying old gubernatorial candidates, especially ones that got 4 percent of the vote. Take it down the street!”

Cohen is now threatening to write a book, From Pawnbroker to Politician: The Threats, the Pressure, the Promises. It will be available next month on eBay, which is where everyone turns when they can’t pawn their old stuff. 

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Related Topics Pat Quinn, Scott Lee Cohen, Pwned
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