Scott Lee Cohen’s day-old campaign for governor is only missing one thing: a running mate.
Cohen is looking, though. During Monday’s press conference announcing his candidacy, he invited anyone interested in becoming lieutenant governor to “call me,” although he didn’t give out his cell phone number.
Cohen’s first political union lasted less than a week, or slightly longer than Britney Spears’s Las Vegas marriage. Since this is Cohen’s second go-round, he should apply the lessons he learned from his five-day fling with Pat Quinn. Namely, both partners have to be compatible.
Quinn used a questionnaire to find his soul mate. That was funny. Cohen should do the same. Here are some questions he might want to ask to make sure he doesn’t end up with another … Scott Lee Cohen.
1. Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Illinois Democratic Party? (If no, please continue.)
2. Have you ever taken steroids? Winstrol or stanozolol? Did you inject yourself in the upper arm or the buttock? How much muscle did you add?
3. Do you have 25,000 old college classmates, Facebook friends, or Twitter followers?
4. Do you have tickets to Sunday’s Blackhawks game? Are they far away from my ex-wife’s?
5. If our campaign runs short of money, do you own any valuable items you can pawn? I know a guy.
6. Again, if our campaign runs short of money, can you get your ex-wife to stop bugging you for the child support payments until, say, December?
7. To ensure that you’re in touch with the financial struggles of the average voter, how much does a gallon of milk cost? A gallon of Winstrol?
8. Have you ever been arrested for any reason? Was your psycho girlfriend just lying to the cops? Are you honest about it? Because that's what counts.
9. If I decide this isn’t working out, will you give a bitter interview to Chicago magazine, claiming that I dumped you because of your religion?
10. A good education is important in running a state. Do you have at least a GED?
If you can answer these 10 questions correctly, you can be Scott Lee Cohen’s running mate. So give him a call. As soon as he gives out his cell phone number.
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