This blog owes Mayor Rahm Emanuel an apology. On Tuesday, we suggested the city could save money on security by electing Chuck Norris as mayor, because unlike Mayor Emanuel, he wouldn’t need bodyguards. Upon further review, we may have been wrong. Fictional experts offered these points of contrast.
Rahm Emanuel won his residency challenge because everyone knows Chicago is wherever Rahm Emanuel is standing right this minute.
Rahm Emanuel mailed a dead fish to a pollster…after swimming to the bottom of the ocean and killing it himself.
Rahm Emanuel is Darth Vader’s father.
Rahm Emanuel once won a triathlon by running on water, swimming through land and riding a bicycle with no wheels.
In college, Rahm Emanuel had sex before the first date.
Rahm Emanuel can strangle people with his cell phone.
Where does an 800-pound gorilla sleep? Wherever Rahm Emanuel tells him to.
Rahm Emanuel counted to infinity…then raised even more money.
Rahm Emanuel swore himself in as mayor.
Rahm Emanuel doesn’t make up words. The dictionary is wrong.
If you had 10,000 votes and Rahm Emanuel had 8,000 votes, Rahm Emanuel would have more votes than you.
Marquette and Joliet discovered Chicago…but Rahm Emanuel told them where to find it.
If Rahm Emanuel says it, it's not swearing.
Rahm Emanuel was outvoted 49-1 on the City Council…and won.
Rahm Emanuel doesn’t ask his supporters for money. His supporters ask if they can give him money.
Rahm Emanuel lengthened the school day to 25 hours.
Rahm Emanuel had to quit ballet because no leotard could contain him.
Rahm Emanuel went swimming with a cut on his finger, and Lake Michigan got an infection.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest…then lost a staring contest to Rahm Emanuel.