Mayor Rahm Emanuel has a “cool new plan in the works” to install air conditioning in all Chicago Public Schools by 2019.
On Emanuel’s orders, CPS will begin rolling out full A/C units to 206 school buildings this summer and through the next five years. While it's a laudable goal to want to keep the kids cool during hot weather, half a decade seems a little slow.
Here are 17 events that will likely happen before the 2019 deadline:
1. The Obama Library will have its grand opening .
2. Mayor Emanuel will make speeches and appearances via hologram.
3. Smartphones will be able to read minds.
4. President (Hillary) Clinton will throw the first pitch at the Cubs' first 2017 game at Wrigley.
5. David Axelrod will regrow his mustache, shave it off on Morning Joe, then begin the cycle anew.
6. Every pothole in the city will be smoothed over.
7. Lindsay Lohan will win an Oscar.
9. House Speaker Michael Madigan will finally step down after a gazillion years in office. (Not likely.)
10. Chicago will become a Republican stronghold.
11. "Quinnochio" will be the states' official mascot.
12. Joakim Noah's man bun will be inducted into NBA's Hall of Best Hair.
13. A new Marriott and basketball stadium will be built in the South Loop as part of Emanuel's $55 million development plan. (Likely)
14. So will Mayor Daley's stagnant express-rail service to O'Hare.
17. Further installment of air conditioning units will be delayed ... to infinity.