Today, November 29th, is Rahm Emanuel’s birthday.
Happy 54th Birthday, Mr. Mayor.
As someone who understands what it’s like to have your birthday right around the holidays, I know that sometimes your special day can get lost in the shuffle.
For example, sometimes friends plan other, holiday-related activities on your big day and forget about you.
Or your family tries to double up on presents, claiming everything they get you serves two purposes.
At work, co-workers end up sticking your name on already-planned office holiday parties, claiming “Oh, this is for you, too.”
In an attempt to make sure your birthday is as happy as can be, I’ve created a little wish list of the presents I would get you if I hadn’t, you know, already made other plans.
So, here are my top ten presents I wish I could get for Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s birthday:
- A Ventra Card. Hopefully, one that doesn't charge too much, too little or someone else’s account.
- A DePaul Blue Demons T-Shirt, so he can wear it while attending games in the DePaul’s new arena built with taxpayer money.
- A prosthetic middle finger. To replace the one he lost as a boy but still needs to effectively flip off his critics.
- A charter school named after him. Preferably built on the South or West Sides, and run by the scandal-scarred United Neighborhood Organization’s charter-school network
- An overtime voucher. To help authorize the $93 million in overtime costs expected to be racked up by the Chicago Police Department this year.
- A really expensive calculator. To help figure out how the city is going to pay for next year’s skyrocketing pension obligations.
- A relaxing vacation at his friend Bruce Rauner’s Montana ranch.
- A new casino for Chicago. But only if he keeps his promise and spends all the new revenue to help fund Chicago schools.
- A $1.00 donation for his 2015 re-election campaign. But not a penny more, because he’s got more than enough already without my help.
- Peace, love and understanding. Because, quite frankly, sometimes Chicago in the Age of Rahm sure could use a bit more of it.
