Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and leave a voicemail for Charlie Sheen. “Charlie, this is your father. You need help. Help loving all those fine ladies you got in that house! INVITE ME OVER! I HAVE VODKA!” LET’S GO!
TOP CHEF ALL STARS – 10:00PM (Bravo – an NBC/Universal network) Last week, all five final chefs did such a nice job that Tom and Padma threw up their hands and we’re like SCREW IT! YOU’RE ALL GOING TO THE BAHAMAS! And then everyone jumped around and hugged and it was very nice. But now, the finals have arrived, and the days of free passes are OVER. No more being nice to your okra, Tiffany. Anyway, tonight the five finalists must face off against the chef that beat them in their first “Top Chef” season. That means Mike Volt is back (YAY!), along with Hosea (Really? That dude won?). It should be a fun episode. It’s almost enough to make you wonder if Bravo made sure no one got cut last week on purpose, just so they could bring back as many winners as possible. But hey, they’d never rig the show like that. They only do that at the very end! ANTICIPATION: RIGGED!
NOTHING PERSONAL – 10:00PM (id) This new id documentary series takes a look at contract killings and murders for hire. It’s hosted by Steve Schirripa, who you no doubt remember as Bobby Baccalieri from “The Sopranos.” And given the track record of most “Sopranos” alums not named James Gandolfini or Edie Falco, ending up on an obscure cable network hosting a cheesy hitman show is probably about the best Steve can do. ANTICIPATION: WHACKINGS!
AMERICAN IDOL – 8:00PM (FOX) The finalists sing songs by their favorite artists. I already know half of them will say Lifehouse is their favorite artist. I can feel it in my bones. None of them will select Radiohead, I promise you that. ANTICIPATION: KIDS HAVE NO TASTE!
UNDERWATER UNIVERSE – 10:00PM (History Channel) Tonight, the History Channel profiles the five deadliest predators in the ocean, with great white sharks and box jellyfish sure to be somewhere in the fold. But you know what can easily fend off such nasty creatures? Spilled oil. Take that, sharky! You’re no match for 50 billion gallons of BP’s finest reserve! ANTICIPATION: DEADLY!
HOARDING: BURIED ALIVE – 10:00PM (TLC) A man must choose between his hoard and his daughter. Pfft. That’s easy. I have a daughter. I’d take the hoard every time. The hoard never talks back. And the hoard doesn’t take five hours to dress in the morning. We’re late for school, you little maggot! Don’t you understand that?! ANTICIPATION: STUFF!