Movie Reviews, TV Reviews, and Recaps
What's really worth watching

Trailer Park: A Warrior's Heart!

Email
|
Print

    NEWSLETTERS

    "Twilight"-ers Kellan Lutz and Ashely Greene star in this coming-of-age story about a guy whose inability to deal with the death of his father eventually gets him kicked of the lacrosse team and sent to "a wilderness lacrosse camp." Opens Dec. 2.

    Anyone can tell you if a trailer "looks good" or not. But Drew Magary, who spent over a decade working in advertising, is here to tell you whether or not a trailer WORKS. This week's trailer? "A Warrior's Heart".

    FINALLY! They have made a major motion picture about the EXTREME, MAN-BUILDING sport that is LACROSSE. Oh, how I’ve waited for this day. Hollywood has churned out any number of movies about baseball, basketball, football, boxing and even horse racing, most of which feature talking dogs. But where are the lacrosse movies? When will affluent white boys from the mid-Atlantic region get the Hollywood treatment they so richly deserve? Well, fear not, America. The studios have finally answered your prayers with A WARRIOR’S HEART. And the title suggests right off the bat that they’re going to take lacrosse WAY too seriously. I can’t wait! Let’s look at the trailer and see if we can answer a few questions.

    Does the trailer let us know what the movie's about? Yes. LACROSSE! Hot beefy young rich boys running around with sticks! YOU CAN’T HANDLE THEIR TWIRLING. Our chief laxhead is Kellen Lutz, who shows up at some fancy prep school in a hot red convertible. There’s no better way to communicate that your hero is an underdog than that! After that, the trailer gets kind of murky. There’s Ashley Greene as both the love interest AND your CEO of Bad Narration. Then you have Lutz’ dad going to Iraq and dying (?). Then Lutz smashes a trophy case because LAX AIN’T ABOUT TROPHIES BRO. Then you have Lutz apparently banished to some kind of rural apple farm THAT DEFINITELY NEEDS A LAX TEAM. Then you have Adam Beach dropping in to boss Lutz around and tell him what it really means to be a LAX WARRIOR.

    Is there a villain? There is! The nefarious CHORD OVERSTREET, who serves as perhaps the least imposing adversary in film history. So Chord and his tousled hair get all frisky with Lutz in the locker room and he’s like YOU AIN’T TAKIN’ MY SPOT. And then Lutz is like, “Well do you play RIGHT SIDE ATTACK? CAUSE RSA IS ALL ME, BROSEPH.” And then much bro-downing ensues. It’s like Maverick vs. Iceman, but not!

    Does the movie go to great lengths to let you know that lax was originally a Native American sport? You know it does. There’s a quick snippet of an Apache running shirtless through a field with a stick, which apparently is just a shot lifted from the cutting room floor of that one Terence Malick film. If you ever get a lax player worked up by telling them their sport is lame, the first thing you’ll hear out of them is OH YEAH? IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE INDIANS! FACE.

    Are the two main characters named Connor and Brooklyn? They are! LACROSSEMANCE.

    Does this movie’s web page have a blurb from Perez Hilton? I swear it does, and this is the blurb: "Twi-hards out there are going to love this!" Whoa hey, it appeals to Perez and Twi-hards AND lax players? That’s like the Holy Trinity of Awfulness.

    Does this trailer work? For mockery? Yes. For enticing people see a movie? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.