Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and clean the hair out of your keyboard. Seriously, there are things inside my keyboard that would disturb and terrify you. LET’S GO!
MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT – 9:00PM (NBC) It’s Donald Trump’s annual tribute to young gals who look dynamite in bikinis and can’t stand the idea of same-sex marriage. John Legend and The Roots are your musical guests, and if Legend doesn’t go home with at least three of the contestants by his side, I’ll be sorely disappointed in him. Among your judges tonight are Criss Angel, Billy Baldwin, Chazz Palminteri, and Sheila E. Boy, real A-list crop you’ve assembled for this, Donald. I feel like I’m watching a dinner theater production of “Our Town” at the Tampa-area Ground Round. They’ll be choosing the winner, then choosing a new winner once the first winner turns up naked at GorillaMask.com five days later. ANTICIPATION: SAY SOMETHING DUMB!
IF GOD IS WILLING AND DA CREEK DON’T RISE – 9:00PM (HBO) Spike Lee follows up his award-winning Katrina documentary “When The Levees Broke” with this update that revisits post-Katrina New Orleans to examine infrastructure improvements and city morale in the five years since Katrina struck the Gulf Coast. Yes, it’s been five years since Katrina, and that disaster only seems to grow in sadness as more and more years pass by. ANTICIPATION: SERIOUS!
BOND OF SILENCE – 9:00PM (Lifetime) 24’s Kim Raver heads up this Lifetime flick about a woman whose husband was murdered when he went to go quiet down a teen’s party. Lousy teens. TURN DOWN THAT BIEBER SO WE CAN GET SOME SLEEP! Anyway, one of the no-good teen punks at this party killed her husband and no one is saying anything. Sounds like the perfect opportunity for a Jack Bauer cameo, where he kicks some rapscallion in the face with his boot and has a list of names within five seconds. ANTICIPATION: YOUTH GONE WILD!
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: NO RESERVATIONS – 10:00PM (Travel Channel) When Tony Bourdain first went to Beirut, he found himself accidentally visiting the city just as Israeli warplanes were raining fire down. Tonight, tensions somewhat eased, he revisits Lebanon to do what he had originally planned: get drunk and eat lots of street food. And I can’t be more happy that he’s finally getting that chance. ANTICIPATION: HALAL MEATS!
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY – 10:00PM (Bravo – an NBC/Universal Network) It’s the season finale, and the housewives focus on banishing Danielle from their lives forever. And I can’t blame them. She’s terrifying to look at. You know how the lead singer of Dead or Alive turned into a woman, got lots of plastic surgery, and then wore kabuki makeup and scared everyone to death? She looks like that. ANTICIPATION: CATTY!