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Monday Watch List: Vomit! Favre! God!

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    NEWSLETTERS

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    MINNEAPOLIS - SEPTEMBER 19: Quarterback Brett Favre #4 of the Minnesota Vikings watches from the sidelines during the first half of the game against the Miami Dolphins on September 19, 2010 at Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis, Minnesota. (Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images)

    Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and finish writing your memoirs. No one will see that chapter about your affair with Richard Burton coming. LET’S GO!

    GOD IN AMERICA – 9:00PM (PBS) Tonight PBS unveils part one of a massive six-hour documentary about the history of religion in America, no doubt as a companion piece to Glee’s “Grilled Cheesus” episode last week. After you watch it, surely you’ll have a new and open attitude toward people of different creeds and how the interaction between free religions in this country is what makes America such a great nation. Oh, who am I kidding? You’re gonna watch to see if PBS favors one religion over another, and then write an angry letter to the Chubb group, urging them to pull their support for public broadcasting. I know how this works. Part One focuses on the 17th to 19th centuries, including a look at Anne Hutchinson, a Puritan woman who rebelled against church leadership when she claimed God spoke to her. Also, she wore anklets. Very racy. ANTICIPATION: JESUSY!

    HOUSE – 8:00PM (FOX) House treats a patient who can’t stop vomiting. And the obvious cure for such a disorder is to stop drinking Southern Comfort. Seriously, people. Knock it off. It’s whiskey and syrup. It’s gross. ANTICIPATION: BARFY!

    VIKINGS/JETS – 8:30PM (ESPN) One of the biggest Monday Night games ever pits Brett Favre, fresh off of accusations of sending lewd text messages to a former Jets employee, facing off against those same Jets for the first time since leaving the team in 2008. Also on hand will be former Patriot Randy Moss, who rejoins Minnesota after wearing out his welcome with Tom Brady. Will these two embattled stars come together to deliver the Vikings their first title, or will they crash and burn so spectacularly that the results can be seen from neighboring galaxies? Best to bet on the latter. ANTICIPATION: GUNSLINGING!

    DANCING WITH THE STARS – 8:00PM (ABC) All the music tonight will be acoustic. I think you know what that means: Spanish guitar! The music of choice for people drinking white wine on a veranda! ANTICIPATION: AY AY AY!

    REVIVING OPHELIA – 9:00PM (Lifetime) Two sisters raise teenage daughters in this Lifetime TV movie weepie. If you guessed that one of the daughters is trapped in an abusive relationship, you know your Lifetime all too well. ANTICIPATION: TYLER PERRYISH!