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Monday Watch List: All Mariah Wants For Christmas Is Skintight Dresses!

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    NEWSLETTERS

    Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and watch your stadium’s roof cave in. LET’S GO!

    MARIAH CAREY MERRY CHRISTMAS – 9:00PM (ABC) Mrs. Nick Cannon dons a Santa suit six sizes too small and regales you for an hour with a batch of holiday songs that may or may not be improved by having the singer do vocal scales in between each verse. I’ll give Mariah credit for one thing: She’s one of the few modern artists who ever successfully managed to create a holiday standard with “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” Most attempts to create new holiday standards are breathtaking failures, but I’ll be darned if Mimi didn’t pull it off. Sure beats “Last Christmas,” that’s for certain. ANTICIPATION: BUXOM!

    RAVENS/TEXANS – 8:30PM (ESPN) AND GIANTS/VIKINGS – 7:20PM (FOX, DirecTV) Tonight’s accidental NFL doubleheader comes to you courtesy of the Minneapolis snowstorm that destroyed the Metrodome roof and forced the Vikings and Giants to postpone their game a day and play it in Detroit. If you live nearby, you can get tickets to this game for free. If you don’t live in New York or Minnesota, you can only watch the game on NFL Sunday Ticket. Ravens/Texans starts a little more than an hour later. ANTICIPATION: FAVRE-FREE?

    SKATING WITH THE STARS – 8:00PM (ABC) It’s Thrill Week at the ABC reality show. YEEEARRGHHH THRILLAAAAA! The contestants tonight must try at least one overhead lift or throw. What are the odds they all choose “lift”? 1,000%? The skaters will also be forced to keep up with the fast-paced music. That music? “Angel of Death,” by Slayer. You can carve a Da Vinci in the ice when you skate that fast. ANTICIPATION: MONARCH TO THE KINGDOM OF THE DEEEAD!

    MARRY ME – 9:00PM (Lifetime) Lucy Liu chooses from three potential suitors in the conclusion of this Lifetime two-part TV movie. She had best choose wisely, because one of those suitors is a deranged serial killer! What’s that? He isn’t? Well, I figured this was Lifetime, so you know… ANTICIPATION: WOMANY!

    TRUE LIFE: I HAVE PARANORMAL ABILITIES – 10:00PM (MTV) Tonight’s installment of the MTV docuseries focuses on young mediums. Watch as they try and communicate with Young Jeezy using NO words, only beats. ANTICIPATION: HOKUM!