St. Louis Rams' head coach Mike Martz watches his team play the San Diego Chargers in the second quarter at The Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis, November 10, 2002. REUTERS/Tim Parker --- Image by © Reuters/CORBIS
Mike Martz says you can blame him for the pitiful performance of the offense Sunday.
To Jay Cutler, that sounds something like this: "Mmmmrphh mpphhh murrfff mff mffffffff." And the words don't make much sense anyway because he can't focus his eyes and everything looks like "Avatar" if you took your 3-D glasses off. Dude's brain is jacked. To be clear, dude's brain is jacked because Mike Martz refuses to run, preferring to serve up Cutler to hungry defenses like the Little Debbie Swiss Rolls Kirstie Alley's keeper throws into her cage.
In the aftermath of the Great Cutler Sacrifice of 2010, Coach Martz is spilling his guts and taking the blame. But we've got a handy translation guide for his mea culpa:
Martz quote: "We've got a bunch of young guys, trying to learn how to play, and we lost our poise, and we got on our heels, and we couldn't do much of anything right. That's just an old coach's fault right there."
Translation: "These multi-millionaire athletes, whose job it is to play a game they've played since they were children, suddenly become thumb-sucking zombies in my Byzantine offense. Hang on while I send Devin Hester on an 80-yard fly route on third and two."
Martz quote: "Very excited about (3rd string QB) Caleb (Hanie) and where he is."
Translation: "Third-string quarterbacks are exciting because they still have full use of their motor skills and cognitive function, unlike our first-string quarterback, who now resembles Jack Nicholson at the end of 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.'"
Martz quote: "I'm having a hard enough time just being a coach."
Translation: "The Detroit Lions fired me. Clearly, I have no place in football."
Martz quote: "We just didn't have our pizzazz and we just weren't ourselves."
Translation: "My fantasy football league awards pizzazz points. Next week, I'm having all the wide receivers do cartwheels on the way to the end zone. Pizzazz!"