With Christmas on the horizon, the Bears have already given us a pretty awesome gift. Chicago is playoff bound. But what shall we get them in return? A few well-chosen gifts can turn this team from a playoff participant to a Super Bowl champion. Let's go shopping.
For Lovie Smith: A DVD of "Glengarry Glen Ross." Specifically, we want him to watch the "always be closing" speech (graphic language). First place is a Cadillac Eldorado. Second place is a set of steak knives. Third place is you're fired. That's the mentality we need in the playoffs. Always be closing. Always be closing.
Is this season a success if we win one playoff game? Two? Lovie's taken us to the Super Bowl before. Now we gotta win. Close. Don't screw around. Go for the jugular. Trick plays. Blitzes. Devotion to the run. Play it safe and we're going home. You see what Alec Baldwin pulls out of that briefcase? We want Lovie to have the same. And we want him to put the fear of God into that locker room. You don't win in the playoffs, you're outta here.
For Jay Cutler: A stopwatch. Jay's really picked up his play in the last half of the season. But he's still prone to gamble now and then. When it comes to the playoffs, he needs to remember that boring things like field position and a lack of turnovers can be the difference between winning and losing. Peyton Manning throws the ball away all the time. Cutler shouldn't be afraid to do the same.
Within three seconds, the ball should be out of Cutler's hands. Either find an open man or wing it out of bounds. He is not Ben Roethlisberger with the ability to shed attackers. If the heat approaches, Cutler can't be afraid to dump the ball into the sidelines. With this defense, he just needs to play smart. Avoid turnovers and sacks and we'll be in great shape.
For Julius Peppers: Gamma radiation. This guy has been a free agent monster. But we want him to be even more monstrous come playoff time. That's why we want him to go the Incredible Hulk route. Make him angry and watch him shred the line and decapitate the quarterback.
The greatest defenders play with a chip on their shoulders. Peppers seems like an amiable guy. We don't want that. We want a rage-fueled beast. Remember when Reggie White went nuts in Super Bowl XXXI? (Video here.) The man more or less shoved offensive linemen back into Drew Bledsoe. Let's have Peppers do some of that. With Hulk powers, Peppers can use linemen as projectiles to bring down QBs. Fear is a powerful weapon in the postseason. A giant green Julius Peppers would be scary indeed.
For Robbie Gould: Laces out.
For Brian Urlacher: One of these suits impervious to bear attacks. Every Bears season ends when Urlacher goes down. With this awesome battle armor, he's sure to survive the playoffs without any broken limbs. Plus, according to the video, he could be jumped in the parking lot by four baseball bat-wielding assailants without any worries. Bonus!
For the offensive line: Hot girls in the stands. If a few smokin' ladies can distract the refs, we can get away with holding. It's time to cheat. It's time to dig deep. This is the playoffs. We'll take any advantage we can get.