Todd Collins is all that stands between us and Caleb Hanie starting at quarterback.
Given the way our offensive line is playing, Collins has about 10 plays in him before Carolina breaks something important in the 38-year-old QB. That means Hanie should be under center by the second quarter Sunday.
"I'm just one spot closer to being in the field," Hanie said Thursday at Halas Hall. Do you think he followed that up with a, "Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha" and a mustache twirl?
Our guess? Hanie's been planning this all along. Maybe putting a little extra sugar in Cutler's Gatorade. Maybe replacing the padding in Collins' helmet with painted cement. Maybe feeding the offensive line an endless supply of Lou Malnati's so they're sluggish and useless. Inevitably, Caleb Hanie will end up as the starter. It's just a matter of time.
We've seen this before. Remember "Showgirls"? Young upstart stripper Nomi (Elizabeth Berkley, never better) sabotages the veteran queen of the strippers, Cristal (Gina Gershon, better in almost everything). A simple bead thrown on the dance floor knocks Cristal out of action, allowing Nomi to ascend to the stripper throne.
Except in this example, Caleb Hanie would be a third-string stripper. Use your imagination.
Side note: Should we be outraged Hanie is wearing Erik Kramer's immortal #12 jersey? Kramer just happened to start the entire season when "Showgirls" was in theaters. See how this all ties together?