EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - OCTOBER 03: Todd Collins #10 of the Chicago Bears drops back to pass against the New York Giants at New Meadowlands Stadium on October 3, 2010 in East Rutherford, New Jersey. (Photo by Chris McGrath/Getty Images)
We're going to the Super Bowl.
Sound ridiculous? Follow along.
Todd Collins, 38, goes to Carolina and puts up a 6.2 quarterback rating in place of Jay Cutler.
Six completions on 16 attempts. 32 yards. Four interceptions. Two sacks.
Those are numbers you'd expect from the tubby guy they drag down to the field to throw a Nerf ball through a tractor tire to win a Giordano's gift certificate. Heck, to get the free pizza, you probably have to perform better than that.
But the Bears won, 26-3, in spite of their terrible quarterback play.
Apparently, we have this man called a "running back," who can carry the ball. He doesn't have to throw! He can run! Into the end zone! For touchdowns!
Do other teams have this? If not, we should keep it a secret.
Collins called Sunday "one of the worst" performances he's had. That's like calling Jar Jar Binks one of the worst ideas George Lucas has had. It's true, but it doesn't begin to capture the foul, stomach-turning awfulness of the thing.
So look, we've got no offensive line. Our starting quarterback's eyeballs are still spinning around in his head like a slot machine. Our backup quarterback is throwing the ball at defenders to try to impede their progress toward his face. Our head coach, Lovie Smith, looks stoic but his focus is elsewhere, probably because he's trying to remember whether he remembered to add enough time to DVR "The Amazing Race" with the usual NFL run-over.
Despite all these calamities, the Bears are 4-1. They're tied for the best record in the NFC, a confernce with no legitimate contender.. The NFC West is pathetic. The NFC East is underachieving like some kid at the beginning of an after-school special. In the NFC South, the Saints are stumbling so badly, they trail the Buccaneers. And in our own division, we've already beaten the Packers and the Lions (yay!) and the Vikings are hyperventilating into a brown paper bag.
As soon as Cutler gets back -- as long as we remember this running back fellow -- we've got a clear path to the Super Bowl. Not because we deserve it. Because we're lucky. And it's better to be lucky than good.