* Please turn your attention to this growing problem - First-Person Shooter Disease.
* Two-thirds of you believe the Michael Jackson death coverage is excessive. Well, two-thirds of you are just going to have to suck it. It's a slow news cycle and we got 24 hours to fill.
* At the Sears Tower, you can now stand on a clear piece of plastic, 1,353 feet above the ground. At least, it will be clear until all your bodily fluids come flying out simultaneously as you stand on it.
* The stress of this economy is causing everyone to melt down, including the woman who lost her mind when the cheese and meat of her hoagie were touching.
* Read this article about the problems of boys vs. girls and see how the subject tries to dance the politically correct razor's edge. (Boys are more likely to commit suicide, while girls are more likely to have suicidal thoughts. Gee, which seems like more of a problem to you?)
* Nail clippers + deranged man = botched circumcision. Says a helpful medic, "This is something we would advise men never to attempt." Oh, really? 'Cause for a second, I thought I had my Fourth of July all lined up.
* Your fattest state is... Mississippi! Con-fat-ulations, y'all. Enjoy another deep fried wad of dough in honor of your accomplishment.
I have a personal fantasy that I will one day become so obese, a news photographer shoots my jiggling gut for use as b-roll. And even when I die, my gut will live on, jiggling in newscasts of the future, warning generations to come what kind of heart disease they can expect.
(Odd disclosure from Zoraida this morning: She was a fat kid who ate an entire box of Twinkies in one sitting.)
* When doing a story about fireworks safety, don't be the dope who ends up videotaping your own injury.
You've got a zoom lens for a reason, idiot. Back up.
* People unsure of their beliefs are more close-minded. And you know what goes over really well with close-minded people? Telling them they are unsure of their beliefs.
* One of the Jonas Brothers is getting married. Not that one. Not that one. The other one. People Magazine chose two of the three brothers as their 100 Most Beautiful People. This kid was the only brother not to make the cut. So congrats, Ugly Jonas. Enjoy your nuptuals.
* Thing I Will Never Do #8,226: Eat my baby's placenta.
* Yet another celebrity joins the death parade. Karl Malden wasn't the prettiest of actors, but he was a damn fine performer. What I admire most is how little you see him trying. He acted "real" when many others wouldn't. Here he is in one of the best movies you can ever see - "On the Waterfront."
* After lauding a 1950s movie, it seems appropriate Whiskey Rebellion had a monster 50s-themed show last night. My team is on a tear, people. Our next show will be a monumental one as we say goodbye to two founding members. If you want to see some free laughs and watch us probably bawl our eyes out, come to the iO Theater on Wednesday, July 15 @ 8 p.m. The show is free.
