Ben’s Breakfast Blog

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    NEWSLETTERS

    * I can't think of a possible explanation for this picture...

    ... I mean, look at those socks!  (Respect, Mr. President.)

    * Pardon the momentary blog outage, friends.  I worked 11 hours yesterday (another top secret project) and I was delirious by the time I was finished.  Did I mention I usually go to sleep early in the morning?  I do.  So when I went to sleep around 1 p.m., I was a hollow shell of a man.  My blogging powers were useless against fatigue.

    * I know you didn't get enough Air Guitar coverage Monday, so here's what we aired Friday morning to hype the event.  First, an interview with my friend Nordic Thunder, the 2006 & 2008 Chicago Air Guitar Champ.  The interview is notable because Dick Johnson confesses his love of a certain cheap, disgusting alcoholic beverage...

    And then the entire team rocked out to Van Halen's "Panama."  Best Dance Friday ever.

    * Although all the cool kids will be attending my improv show with Whiskey Rebellion Sunday at 8, elsewhere in Chicago, the city's "Air Sex" Championship will be goin' down.  (You'll note the quality of that article, because I wrote it.)  I kinda want to see it and I kinda don't.  Depends on the hotness and gender of the competitors.  Perhaps I will simulate intercourse on my stage as a tribute...

    If you impersonate Captain Jack Sparrow at Disneyland, you will have an endless stream of women after you.  Why couldn't he have been a redhead?

    * Things you don't want to hear from the new chairman of your auto company: "I don't know anything about cars."

    * For some reason, people are posting pictures of their soaking wet cats online.  Be careful how you search for them, though.  Google brings up interesting results if you choose the wrong words.

     * Here's yet another article about how all the kids in their 20s are rampant whores.  This article may as well be about a group of Martians.  Where are these people?  Why have I never met them?

    "Girls who wear jeans will be expelled from the college."  You tell 'em, uptight Indian clothing-based equivalent of whatever town that was in "Footloose."

    * Step 1: Get pregnant.
    Step 2: Have your baby.
    Step 3: Get paid by the government not to get pregnant again.

    * Relax, slightly larger girls.  Guys actually prefer a woman with a 30 inch waist and 40 inch hips.  I just prefer any girl who doesn't Mace me within 30 seconds.

    Congress may crack down on loud commercials.  Billy Mays quakes in fear.

    Better sleep makes your grades go up.  Yet another reason not to bother waking up for the 4:30 a.m. news.

    * The best part of any gay pride parade is when a dude urinates on you.

    * New York Magazine loves shredding NBC.  Here's an article about how Dave pulled ahead of Conan in the ratings race.  And how Julia Roberts slammed Conan.  And how A-list celebs prefer Dave.  Etc. 

    I somewhat enjoy reading these articles because I have a love/hate relationship with my network.  I love them because they employ me and allow me to write the best blog on Earth.  (Can I get an "Amen"?)

    But I hate our network because most of our shows are as entertaining to watch as potato salad.  I want NBC to be good again.  Remember when NBC was cool?  (You'd have to be at least 20 years old.)  I want to be that network again.  Fun shows.  Exciting shows.  Dramatic shows.  None of this "Pseudo Celebrities and Their Siblings in a Jungle Four Nights a Week" business.  I realize this is a cycle and we're on the bottom of the wheel, but it sucks to be in fourth place.  Hell, just put someone on the air to read this blog every day.  Boom - instant gold mine.

    * Meanwhile, an NBC show actually did something funny this week.  Here's Mark-Paul Gosselaar eerily reviving Zack Morris on "Late Night."

    This is a funny bit, but the audience just ain't biting.  What's up with that?  Maybe nine minutes is a bit long to drag out one joke.  Still, I approve.

    Read what Zack/Mark-Paul had to say after the bit...

    * "Whaddya wanna do with this severed arm in the kneading machine?"
    "Pitch it."

    Chicago "American Idol" auditions will be June 22.  You can recognize me because I'll be the only Chicagoan not in line.

    * Rev. Jeremiah Wright continues to be the clergy equivalent of President Obama's crazy uncle.  Really?  Blaming the Jews?  Original.

    * As long as there have been celebrities, there have been people naming their children after them.  (Hoping for a boy someday so I can name him "Prince Then Artist Formerly Known as Prince Then Prince Again Bowman.")

    * I have more to blog, but my computer has frozen and I feel my bloodlust rising.  More goodies tomorrow!