* Behold! Some weirdo who remakes My Little Pony as "Star Wars," "Batman" and Tim Burton characters.
* Amazingly, that guy who humped a vacuum cleaner is having trouble finding a job.
"Sooo... what are your qualifications to work for General Motors?"
"Well, I hump vacuum cleaners."
"I hump vacuum cleaners."
"That's what I thought you said. Go on."
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
"Probably humping more advanced vacuum cleaners."
* Someday, you could power your iPod with your blood. I can see it now: An episode of "Intervention" where a music junkie searches for an uncollapsed vein to tap.
* Because there's nothing like cool mountain air breezing twixt your bare thighs: Naked Hiking.
* At first blush, a vending machine that makes fresh pizza sounds like the gateway to heaven. But what happens when your pizza gets caught on the little corkscrew hook thing? I can imagine no greater tragedy.
* When you get a traffic ticket, why not express your displeasure by paying with a zip-loc bag filled with $200 in coins and plenty of urine?
* Brazil's president blames "white people" for the global financial meltdown. Sure. Next thing you know, they're gonna start blaming us for slavery.
* When your country develops a death ray, the arms race is over. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
* This was a lovely find earlier this week: A woman who says her pig can do tricks, but she's totally deluded. The best part is the deadpan reporter. Listen to what he says at the 1:00 mark after, "This is a very talented pig..." Love it.
* Idaho teacher sells advertising space on history tests. (This test has been brought to you by the letter "F.")
* Don't you hate it when the police start hassling you, just because you're watching child porn with a friend while simultaneously having sex with two dogs? Yeah. Me, too.
* Local tool/millionaire goes on rich guy dating reality show. Look at this guy. Total tool.
From the Sun-Times: (The tool) speaks a lot in the third person, and right off the bat he tells (the matchmaker), "I am the pulse of Chicago." He seems to be a spent millionaire, complaining that he is sick of women using him for sex.
He's the kind of guy who probably dates vacuum cleaners.
* Bad idea: Posting naked pictures of yourself online.
Worse idea: Doing that when you're 14. Because you will be arrested. For child pornography.
* Want to relive your childhood? Want to look as unsexy as possible? Buy adult-sized footed pajamas. (Suck on THAT, Snuggie.)
* Unleash your Friday rage by looking at slow-motion pictures of bullets blowing things up.
* You fail at life when you get married and you and your new husband have to move in with your ex-husband. Seriously. You fail.
* And finally, I leave you to ponder this terrifying treasure available from MLB.com. The Cleveland Indians "Forest Face." Just $24.95 for an endless parade of nightmares.
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Ben performs at the iO Theater with Whiskey Rebellion Wednesday, April 1 at 8 p.m. Tickets are FREE.