Ben’s Breakfast Blog

Vacuum Humper Rodeo

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    NEWSLETTERS

    * Behold!  Some weirdo who remakes My Little Pony as "Star Wars," "Batman" and Tim Burton characters.

    * Amazingly, that guy who humped a vacuum cleaner is having trouble finding a job.

    "Sooo... what are your qualifications to work for General Motors?"
    "Well, I hump vacuum cleaners."
    "I'm sorry?"
    "I hump vacuum cleaners."
    "That's what I thought you said.  Go on."
    "That's it."
    "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
    "Probably humping more advanced vacuum cleaners."

    Someday, you could power your iPod with your blood.  I can see it now: An episode of "Intervention" where a music junkie searches for an uncollapsed vein to tap.

    * Because there's nothing like cool mountain air breezing twixt your bare thighs: Naked Hiking.

    * At first blush, a vending machine that makes fresh pizza sounds like the gateway to heaven.  But what happens when your pizza gets caught on the little corkscrew hook thing?  I can imagine no greater tragedy.

    * When you get a traffic ticket, why not express your displeasure by paying with a zip-loc bag filled with $200 in coins and plenty of urine?

    Brazil's president blames "white people" for the global financial meltdown.  Sure.  Next thing you know, they're gonna start blaming us for slavery.

    * When your country develops a death ray, the arms race is over.  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!

    * This was a lovely find earlier this week: A woman who says her pig can do tricks, but she's totally deluded.  The best part is the deadpan reporter.  Listen to what he says at the 1:00 mark after, "This is a very talented pig..."  Love it.


     

    * In today's Terrible NASA Idea File™: Astronauts are bringing home a spider that's been on the International Space Station since November.  Yeah.  Space spiders.  I know.  This is inevitable.

    Idaho teacher sells advertising space on history tests.  (This test has been brought to you by the letter "F.")

    * Don't you hate it when the police start hassling you, just because you're watching child porn with a friend while simultaneously having sex with two dogs?  Yeah.  Me, too.

    Tool.* Local tool/millionaire goes on rich guy dating reality show.  Look at this guy.  Total tool. 

    From the Sun-Times: (The tool) speaks a lot in the third person, and right off the bat he tells (the matchmaker), "I am the pulse of Chicago." He seems to be a spent millionaire, complaining that he is sick of women using him for sex.

    He's the kind of guy who probably dates vacuum cleaners. 

    * Bad idea: Posting naked pictures of yourself online.
    Worse idea: Doing that when you're 14.  Because you will be arrested.  For child pornography.

    * Want to relive your childhood?  Want to look as unsexy as possible?  Buy adult-sized footed pajamas.  (Suck on THAT, Snuggie.)

    * Unleash your Friday rage by looking at slow-motion pictures of bullets blowing things up.

    * You fail at life when you get married and you and your new husband have to move in with your ex-husband.  Seriously.  You fail.

    * And finally, I leave you to ponder this terrifying treasure available from MLB.com.  The Cleveland Indians "Forest Face."  Just $24.95 for an endless parade of nightmares.


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    Ben performs at the iO Theater with Whiskey Rebellion Wednesday, April 1 at 8 p.m.  Tickets are FREE.