* For those of you who were hoping to see a video of Ted Danson reading creepy pickup lines, today's your lucky day...
* Women are happiest at age 28. So for all of you 29 and older, get ready for the relentless downhill slide to the sweet release of death.
* Incredibly insightful research shows us that men are attracted to thin, seductive women. Fat, repellent women find solace as their tears dislodge old Oreo crumbs from the crevices around their mouths.
* 79% of senior citizens have sex. In other news, ew.
* Adventures in Great Writing!
"She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida the pink ones, not the white ones except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't." (And so on...)
* Half of Americans use vibrators. The other half want them to hurry up so they can get on with it.
* Fewer fathers want to be stay-at-home dads. More fathers want to be stay-at-bed sex sultans.
* Wanna cheat on your spouse? There's an app for that.
* Imagine the horror of a 13-year-old boy who must trade in his iPod for an old-school cassette Walkman for a week.
* For those of you interested in the autopsy results on Michael Jackson's body, behold the upsetting truth.
* Stop the presses! Celebrities are starting to tan (and fake-bake) less. Yes, but how long until my brand of vaguely albino sheen comes into style???
* What to do if you're labeled "overqualified." Simply ram your face against a brick wall until you lose 50 IQ points, then reapply for the gig.
* You are invited to the iO Cabaret tomorrow night for a FREE comedy improv show starring yours truly and the members of Whiskey Rebellion. The show starts at 8 and is usually full. 3541 N Clark, right next to Wrigley Field.