Within 30 minutes, you're introduced to some moron who's inexplicably dating a genuinely cute girl. And as the episode wears on, you'll see that the guy is usually more interested in partying than being with his girl.
Other offenses include, but are not limited to: the guy hitting the bar while his girlfriend waits at a restaurant for more than one and a half hours, the guy insisting that his girl cut his steak, and the guy always, always, always having a stupid haircut.
Despite their many offenses, these jerks actually have girlfriends, which suggests they're doing something better than I am. Excuse me while I fashion this noose.
* Meanwhile, women everywhere are going a little nuts as they imagine themselves fatter and uglier than they really are. My brain hurts trying to wrap my head around this.
* Monkey News! Zambian president feels the wrath of airborne monkey urine.
* Don't you hate it when you "forget" your baby on the train? Happens to me all the time.
* The real source of crop circles? Stoned wallabies. Still less ridiculous than M. Night Shyamalan's "Signs."
* You're headed to a psychological evaluation to try to regain custody of your children. Do you...
A) Prepare to explain why you're a good mother.
B) Call your friends for support.
C) Drink 13 beers.
* Chicago is so incredibly violent, we're running out of blood. Um. Yikes.
* What kind of woman will trade sex for a case of potato chips? Oh. Her. For the guy's sake, I hope she ate the chips first so he could re-use the bag on her face.
* Prisoner + cardboard toilet paper tube = Escape
* There will be 10 Best Picture nominees for next year's Oscars. I think this pleases me. Last year's two best films - "Wall-E" and "The Dark Knight" - got shafted.
* If you want to get your way, whisper your request in the other person's right ear. And if you are a woman, men are more compliant if you disrobe.
* Those "Baby Einstein" videos are making your baby stupid. So, more of a "Baby Hilton" effect.
* Fat girls have worse relationships. Worse than the hot chicks dating douchebags??? Is that possible?
* Rainbow Cone is finally opening a location outside downtown Baghdad. This pleases me.
* Is high fructose corn syrup really any worse than sugar? Earlier this week, I spoke to a food researcher from Kraft who says both break down in your body exactly the same way. But hey, whatever makes you feel better about what you shove in your face...
* Fact: Cat ladies are frickin' nuts. I must see this documentary...