Ben’s Breakfast Blog

"Shadier than a speeding Nixon, more slippery than an eel, and able to leap ethics laws in a single bound..."

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* Adding the music to this video of a flying Rod Blagojevich?  My idea.  I don't think they pay me enough.

* I picked up my car from the impound lot yesterday morning.  I will go to court Tuesday to prove that the cop who had it towed was 100% wrong.  In the meantime, I have a $180 charge on my credit card and a $50 ticket that must be overturned.

Frustrated at the enormous loss of time, I went on line, searching the officer's badge number on Google.  Lo and behold, a website popped up.  This site was dedicated to 50 facts about this officer.  I find them hard to believe, since I'm sure this was an honest mistake and no one could be so blatantly incompetent as to believe the exact opposite of the sign posted above my car.

Anyway, the website listed 50 Facts About Officer #(REDACTED).  I just cut and pasted them.  There's no way these are true.

1.  Cannot read simple street signs posted within mere inches of his face.
2.  Uses Velveeta as deodorant because he "likes the musk."
3.  Has a mustache.
4.  Collects ceramic hobo clowns.
5.  Leans over to his friend and says, "This is my jam," whenever the Black Eyed Peas are played in a club.
6.  Cannot understand why his mother, burdened with shame, lies about his profession in the family Christmas letter.  (In a bid for greater respect, Mom says he's a "telemarketer by day, fluffer by night.")
7.  Lactates constantly.
8.  Aspires to one day "stick it in a dolphin's blow hole."
9.  Wet the bed until age 16, when his dad started making him sleep in the bathtub.
10.  Has a lower back tattoo of Bettie Page wrestling a giant anaconda.
11.  Insists on taking his temperature rectally.
12.  Chews with his mouth open.
13.  Continuously sends requests to join his "mob" on Facebook, even though you hate that.
14.  Staples his lovers' merkins to the wall the way hunters mount prized animal heads.
15.  Is excited at the prospect of Adam Lambert winning "American Idol."
16.  Can no longer wear spandex shorts because the elastic interferes with his colostomy bag.
17.  Wanted to join the mounted police, but was too stupid to keep the bit in his mouth.
18.  Saves his scabs in a jar in his refrigerator.
19.  Requires a change of underwear after every Michael Bay trailer.
20.  Pronounces "milk" as "melk."
21.  Eats fistfuls of Circus Peanuts in public without shame or disgust.
22.  Has crooked sperm.
23.  Is pretty sure quoting "Napoleon Dynamite" will never get old.
24.  Brags about following Ashton Kutcher on Twitter.
25.  Enjoys blindfolding himself and dry-humping a ventriloquist dummy named "Señor Chi-chi-chi."
26.  Is racist, obviously.
27.  Pretends his Dodge Neon is a big boy police car and says "10-4" after the drive-thru guy tells him his total.
28.  Consistently invades your personal space in an elevator.
29.  Dreams of one day being promoted to mall cop.
30.  Every time he writes a ticket, he whispers, "That's for you, Jon Burge."
31.  His perfect weekend?  Listening to Jimmy Buffett records and rubbing Troll dolls on his nipples.
32.  Eases the pain of Mondays with a half-dozen KFC Famous Bowls.
33.  Forwards every chain letter e-mail with the helpful commentary, "LOL."
34.  Believes Aqua Velva can substitute for a shower in a pinch.
35.  Wants Johnny Depp to play him in the movie version of his life, though Steve Buscemi would be a dead ringer if he gained 150 pounds and breathed with his mouth open.
36.  On patrol, wears a jock strap filled with crunchy peanut butter.
37.  Tells everyone he parties with Rex Grossman because he once ticketed his Lexus.
38.  Owns all the "Saw" and "Hostel" movies on Blu Ray.  Has memorized the directors' commentaries for each.
39.  Thinks his ringtone is hilarious and lets it play as long and as loud as possible.
40.  Routinely takes up two parking spaces.
41.  Wears a T-shirt under his uniform that reads, "Free Mustache Rides."
42.  Finds it easy to impress high school chicks by virtue of his driver's license and full bloom 'stache.
43.  Was disappointed when olestra was taken off the market because he kinda enjoyed the anal leakage.
44.  Fervently continues his letter-writing campaign to put "According to Jim" on the air five nights a week.
45.  Barred from area farm after incident involving Vaseline and cow afterbirth.
46.  Lists Bret Michaels as a role model.
47.  Tells friends he parks his windowless van near playgrounds for "surveillance."
48.  Will try anything once, especially if it involves Rohypnol and Spring Break.
49.  Nearly lost his badge after being caught violating the tailpipe of a 1983 Buick Skylark.
50. Cries himself to sleep every night, longing for the taste of the leathery teat of his childhood pet goat Miguel.

Wow.  I cannot believe such things are true.  And I certainly don't hope he's fired for being a grossly incompetent douche.  Because I'm sure it was an honest mistake.

* Today we learned that bow ties are supposedly cool again.  This picture of a young Rob Elgas agrees.

Jewel is slashing prices by 20% on some items.  This brings it in line with roughly every other grocery store outside Chicago.

Everyone is a lesbian now.

* You, the taxpayer, spent $150 million on an airport used by 20 people a day.  Thanks, Pennsylvania Congressman John Murtha!  You've just proven that Democrats can waste just as much money as Republicans!

The annoying Luna Carpet jingle plays in Wrigley Field every time a Cub hits a double.  Baseball is pretty much the most boring thing ever.  And now it is one of the most annoying.

* Remind me never to eat at Perry's Deli, where an alarm goes off and they scream at you whenever you answer your cell phone.

* Highlander Producer Carol confessed this morning to having a poster of Peter Jennings on her wall years ago.  I am enormous nerd, but that is a different level of über-nerd.  Like, baby-Rob-Elgas-in-a-bow-tie nerdy.

Fact: When you threaten everyone's jobs, they suddenly perk up.

* Speaking of incredibly dorky things, I direct you to the couple who got married dressed as Shrek and Princess Fiona.  The bride tried to get her 18-year-old son to dress up as Donkey.  He refused.  And is probably ready to throw himself in front of a train right about now.

* Oh, those poor, poor bosses who have to lay off their underlings.  They're so stressed out.  That's a real shame.  Perhaps they can take some solace in the fact that they are still earning money and can take a paid vacation to assuage their guilt.

* Congratulations to Charla Muller.  For her husband's 40th birthday, she promised him sex.  Every day.  For an entire year.  Best.  Wife.  Ever.

* French women are the thinnest in Europe, while British lasses resemble land masses.

5 clues you're addicted to Facebook.  (#4 - You take it personally when no one returns the sheep you're throwing at them.)

15% of women who color their hair now do it themselves to save money.  So when your coworker comes in looking like she's wearing Pepe Le Pew on her head, look the other way and say a prayer for economic recovery.

Someone leaves a live shark flopping around outside a newspaper office.  They're gonna need a bigger boat.

* Let us take a moment to salute this gentleman for eating the world's largest Cheeto above the world's most expensive keyboard.  He ends in a pose familiar to my blog readers.

* Enjoy this weekend.  The giant unidentified blob in space is probably going to make it our last.

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