Sexy Monday

* The most miserable people in Great Britain are usually named "Lynn" or "Ben."  I can't imagine why.  Maybe they have to work in the middle of the night on a news show that routinely gets taken to the woodshed by "Andy Griffith" reruns.  Or maybe some British lady named "Zoraida" keeps changing their scripts to make them lame.

* Just what I've been waiting for: A video game about losing your virginity.  Something tells me I'd need a ridiculous amount of cheat codes.

* If you go fishing and you end up with a 6" spear sticking in your brain, you're doing it wrong.

* I regretfully RSVP'd "No" to the Oakdale, California Testicle Festival.  Although $50 for a meal of bull testicles is a great deal, I just couldn't get the time off work.

Your Roomba can now read your emotions and vacuum accordingly.  Great news for our friend the Vacuum Humper.  I wonder if Roomba is always in the mood...

Outer space smells funny.  Probably hard to air out the International Space Station after chili night.

* The mainstream media finally catch up to what every teenager in America could've told you: MySpace is dying.  (And if Facebook doesn't quit making its interface worse and worse, it won't be far behind.)

* Men with a full head of hair are five times more likely to get a date than those who are thinning on top.  See?  Girls can do anything just as well as boys, including being incredibly shallow.

* Fat dudes who get gastric bypass see their sex lives improve, mostly because now they can find their penis.

* Wanna save money?  Start carrying $100 bills.  Seems you're less likely to spend cash if you carry large denominations.  I carry my life savings in a large sack with a dollar sign on the side.  I never spend a dime.

Optimists outlive pessimists.  Of course, for the pessimist, death is a relief.

Night owls are more prone to heart disease.  Nice to know the two or three people awake for my show will drop dead of a heart attack any day now...  I won't be far behind.  Maybe we can get a nice deal on a mass grave.

Here's why everyone hates puns.  Everyone except news anchors, who can't get enough of 'em.  Seriously.  I have yet to meet a news anchor who didn't get a childlike grin on his face when delivering a pun.  Puns to a news anchor are like a stripper with a bad boob job to Bret Michaels.

* Welcome to the New Economy™, where men everywhere are getting vasectomies.  Short on cash, I have merely cauterized my junk with a hot fireplace poker.  Not that I would ever be in a position to impregnate a girl anyway, but you can't be too careful in these tough economic times.

* Woe unto the couples who share their Netflix queue.  Why would you even do that?  It's like peeing with the bathroom door open.  Even in a committed relationship, there must be boundaries.  YOU pick the sucky chick flicks starring Cameron Diaz, I'LL pick something entertaining.  I will pay for the movies that are decent, you can pay for those two hours of my life I will never get back as Matthew McConaughey finds true love without his shirt.

* Score another one for Islam as a top cleric declares Muslims who smoke and try to portray themselves as pious are worse than cows that poop in the street.  Really, the only people I'd say are worse than pooping cows are Jimmy Buffett fans and those Raider Nation freaks in "The Black Hole."

* Pediatricians now advise parents to have “the talk” with their daughters before they are 10 years old, because sexual activity is starting as young as 5th grade. A recent study by the American Psychological Association noted that girls as young as six years old are now concerned about whether they look “sexy.”  That tears it.  If I ever have a daughter, she's going up for adoption.

* A Wisconsin Principal demands his school's fight song be rewritten because the word "fellows" could be construed as sexist.  And now the word "principal" can be construed as "oversensitive jackass."

* Wonder how to compliment your friends on their new nose or boob job?  Here's your guide to plastic surgery etiquette.  I always compliment my newly chesty friends with a friendly groping.

Here's a list of the Top 10 Movie Car Chase Scenes.  Amazingly, this (adult language) is not one of them...


To comment, click the blog entry title and scroll to the bottom.  E-mail: ben.bowman(AT)nbcuni.com

Ben performs at the iO Theater with Whiskey Rebellion this Wednesday at 8 p.m.  Tickets are FREE. 

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