* Props to 27-year-old Peoria Congressman Aaron Schock for talking about his abs with Stephen Colbert.
* Who wants to see an elderly porn star? More people than you'd think.
Suggested old man porno titles...
"Riding Miss Daisy"
"Bone Country for Old Men"
... and the Tarzan parody "Greystroke"
* On the other end of the porn spectrum, we have the underage teens starring in a Florida skin flick. At one point, a 14-year-old girl yells out for a new videotape - "We are trying to make a porno; you cannot hesitate." Wow. That's the harshest language on a set since Christian Bale.
* If you're gonna end your life, it will be hard to beat the style points of the 20-year-old guy who flung himself out of an airplane at 20,000 feet. (Maybe if you hired that guy to land on you...)
* Senator Roland Burris' war chest: $845. His legal and travel debts: $111,032. The comedic value of this: Priceless.
* United Airlines will now charge land whales for an extra seat. Morbidly obese passengers plan to retaliate by eating their seat cushions, which double as a flotation device AND a handy cupcake substitute.
* Must MuVChat. It's this new thing where you watch a movie and heckle it via text. Your snipes appear on the bottom of the movie screen. That sounds like the best possible use of your time ever.
* 8 Scottish policemen are Jedi. My little nerd heart pounds rapidly against my sunken chest.
* Hairy chicks are sick. No. Seriously. They're sick. (Link includes picture of Abraham Lincoln-lookin' chick.)
* The new female condom is out. Just looking at it eliminates the chance of pregnancy as its total lack sexiness of triggers inward erections.
* "The Benny Hill Show" theme song is becoming increasingly popular at funerals. Because nothing commemorates a life more than fast-forward chase scenes involving scantily-clad women.
* Men must know how to accomplish these 25 tasks. I know none of these tasks. Perhaps I should check to see if my manhood has been replaced with a cloaca.
* How sad is your life when a thief breaks into your home and the most valuable thing he can steal is $82 worth of Hot Pockets and chicken wings?
* Many men have dreamed of reaching their own penis with their mouth. Fewer men choose to bite down when they reach the promised land.
* Hulk Hogan seems calm about his estranged wife dating a teenager. ("I could have turned everything into a crime scene like O.J., cutting everybody's throat.") Hey, Hulkster. Have you looked at your wife lately? She looks like Lady Elaine Fairchilde from "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood." Let her go. Tranny loons are a dime a dozen.
* A British bar pumps aerosol booze through the air, so you get drunk just by breathing for 40 minutes. You can get the same effect standing within Lindsay Lohan's breath after an all-nighter.