* Keep your loved one's remains in an urn shaped like their bald head. Just $2,600 to create an ash bucket shaped like your family member's noggin.
* Paula Abdul is leaving "American Idol." I found her tenure to be "magical" and "unique" and she "definitely made it her own." Also, she was bat**** insane.
* Ten tips to be happier right now. (#7 - Continue reading this blog, but employ a prostitute to service you for the duration.)
* "I was instantly attracted to him sexually and mentally," says 33-year-old Amy Wolfe. The "him" she's talking about is an amusement park ride. FREAK SHOW!
* South Korea is painting nearly 5,000 parking spaces pink to reserve them for women in high heels. Women with cankles must park in a brown paper bag a mile away.
* Coin tosses are not 50/50. When I think of coin tosses, I think of the time Lions coach Marty Mornhinweg won the OT coin toss against the Bears... then gave up possession. (Exaggerated sigh.)
* Creepy cuddle party!
* Defeat the swine flu with whiskey. Whiskey is also potent against balance and clean driving records.
* We learn more from success than failure. Disappointing, since I was counting on all those failures with women to add up to something other than an intense drive to fling myself off a skyscraper.
* You know your government is working for you when the parking meters in your city don't allow you to stay parked long enough to enjoy a movie. Not a problem in Chicago, so long as you don't mind paying the $78 it costs to park that long.
* Of all the forms of inactivity, watching television is the worst. My parents told me that. Then I grew up to make my living in television. It wasn't laziness, it was research.
* Today we did a story about a collection of the worst-ever record album covers. Roger is multi-faceted.
* Mashed potatoes cannot extinguish flame. So stop trying, old man.
* That moron who sings "Birthday Sex" is suddenly the Chicago "back to school" spokesman. Apparently Chicago Public Schools could use some better music classes.
* It costs a middle class family $221,000 to raise a baby. Smothering is free. Just saying! Just saying!
* Dear 48-year-old male yoga instructor, your shorts are too short. I can see your downward dogs.
* In China, prostitutes are more trustworthy than government officials. In Illinois, government officials are prostitutes.
* There are no such things as "soul mates." Also, you will die alone.
* 11 stats about turning 30. (By 30, 81% of women and 71% of men have been married. If you are in the minority, you have failed at life. Please join me and the rest of the losers at the pharmacy. We're buying our lethal doses in bulk to save money!)
* This is making the rounds...