* Do you like the map we made yesterday to show where Rod Blagojevich is ducking his indictment?
* The NBC affiliate in Boston is refusing to air that new Jay Leno show. Good for them. Jay Leno is to comedy what Jay Leno is to woodworking - irrelevant.
* Science! Funny guys get the girls. Um, hold on a sec. Not true. Never have I heard any of the comedy superstars of the iO Theater lamenting how they have to fight off women. NBA players hit the road and women line up at the hotel. And I don't know about you, but I don't think Vlade Divac was world-renowned for his sense of humor. I call shenanigans on this study. Total shenanigans. (Flinging my keyboard to the ground and working on my jump shot...)
* Most men would brag about an 8-day erection. A reality for some, a dream for others.
* If you want to have a baby girl, live in a hot climate... a war zone if you can get it. Based on this, Chicago's female birthrate should be 0%. It is freezing up in here.
* Flying is entirely unpleasant these days. It's made worse when you're on a cross-country flight and the grown man next to you drops a deuce in his pants 10 minutes into the flight and just sits there. What is the deal with airplanes? Am I right? (Adjusts mic stand.)
* Grounds for divorce: Cleaning too much. Wait for it... The husband was cleaning too much. I'll wait while you sweep up the shattered pieces of your brain.
* "ER" is over. I never saw a single episode. Does our network have any shows anybody watches anymore? I love "30 Rock" and I'm fond of "The Office" and "My Name is Earl." And aside from our exemplary newscasts, I don't know that there's anything else worth watching on our station.
This article details the backward freefall of the network. There have been a lot of articles lately heralding the death of broadcast television. That may be premature. We're not newspapers, for God's sake. But as a member of the coveted 18-34 demographic, I can look at the primetime lineup of almost every network and shrug my shoulders.
I watch "Lost." I watch "American Idol," mostly out of schadenfreude. I watch "60 Minutes" and, if bored, "The Amazing Race." That's probably the extent of my regular network watching. I mean, is there any reason to dedicate a TiVo season pass to a show about people jumping through holes in walls?
Yes, network TV is a mess these days. But I will speak for my generation and say that if you give us something worth watching, and you leave it on the air long enough for us to find it, we will tune in. We will watch it on our timetable, but we will watch. Please stop insulting our intelligence and give us cool stuff like you'll find on cable. Thanks.
* Just nine people accounted for 2,700 emergency room visits in Texas. They were all shop teachers. And now they are merely tiny nubs of skin.
* Robot scientists can think for themselves. It's official. Skynet is born.
* I don't want to say things are totally off the rails in Detroit, but now people are hunting raccoons for food. (With video.)
* Having an office weirdo in your midst might actually help productivity. I assume that's why I am still employed. Every morning, the newsroom gathers around to watch me eat Play-Doh. They point and laugh and our ratings soar.
* I don't get the White Sox. They never sell out their games and this year, you'll be able to buy wine by the glass at the Cell. What's their new marketing slogan - "Come for the wine, stay for the baseball"?
* Star Wars Geek Alert! This was my favorite April Fool's Day joke - a tauntaun sleeping bag. Observe the intestine pattern on the inside. Admire the lightsaber zipper pull. Makes me wish I were a kid again.
* Your genes may determine when you lose your virginity. My genes must be switched to "never."
* The state Senate will soon decide whether students can call their teachers "douchebags" when not at school. Hell, I'll be disappointed if my kids don't refer to their teachers that way.
* Romania wins the contest for Creepiest Country Ever as they consider decriminalizing consensual incest. Excuse me while I vomit in my mouth.
* I drew this earlier this week...
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