Ben’s Breakfast Blog

Pity the April Fool

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* What.  The hell.  Is this?

It's called a "peekaru" and it sells for $80 online.  It's what happens when a Snuggie has sex with a human.  This is their offspring.  Their terrifying, terrifying offspring.  (Baby's first re-enactment of the "Alien" chestburster scene...)

* Godawful website AskMen.com says Chicago is the best city to live in.  As we are in our 27th consecutive month of winter, I question that.  But I will remember why I love it here as soon as the glaciers move out.

* There are already too many people living on Planet Earth.  Uhhhhh... that's bad.  Should we start rounding up volunteers to exit, stage left?  (Let's start with all the members of PETA.)

* Sometime between the time his police radio died and the angry mob of 60 people informed him "he was not going to leave the scene alive," I think Sgt. Brian Findlen flashed back to Career Day at his high school and wished he'd chosen differently.

* Sacha Baron Cohen (formerly "Borat") is fighting to win an R-rating for his upcoming flick, "Bruno."  Right now, he's staring at an NC-17 for a scene where he has anal sex with a dude.  After the terror of the fat, naked hairy guy in "Borat," I didn't think Cohen could show us anything more disturbing.  I guess I was wrong.  (Not that there's anything wrong with that... but I guess I'd have to see the scene to be sure.)

Do we love our dogs more than people?  Based on the dog owners I know, I'd say yes.  Oh, and those people are crazy.  Because people are more important.  That will come to news to some of you.

Lunatic Mom: "I'll plead guilty to the starving death of my son, as long as you drop the charges when he comes back to life."
Prosecutor: "Ooooookayyyyy..."

* Hey 28,000 students who got an e-mail acceptance letter to UC San Diego... that was a mistake.  You were supposed to be rejected.  April Fool's!  Ha. Ha.  Ha ha.  Uh.  Ha.  Um.  Sorry.

* You know the old adage, "Measure twice, cut once"?  When it comes to corpses, measure twice and try not to cut the legs off the body if you have a short coffin.

* Here's another reason I'm behind-the-scenes: Channel 7's Kathy Brock was once licked by a fan.  (I would lick many a star, but they'd have to be way hotter than Kathy Brock.)

* China's Snow beer surpasses Bud Light as the world's best-selling beer.  Reached for comment, Snow said, "a-licky-boom-boom-down."

* We were about due for a "Clash of the Titans" remake, weren't we?  Harry Hamlin heaves a sigh of disappointment, then asks a passerby if he's gonna finish his sandwich.

* We can save millions of dollars by giving shelter to homeless alcoholics and letting them keep drinking.  (Story about the rise in homeless alcoholism in 3, 2, 1...)

* From the Headlines I Never Expected to Read File: "How I Learned to Love Goat Meat."

* Ever wonder whether a kid would choose to play with a black doll or a white one?  Here ya go.  Redheaded dolls are hard to find, which is why I spent my childhood in a toyless room, staring at the corner.

* This year's hot hairstyle: The Jesus Mohawk.  (Not to be confused with the Mohammed-hawk or the Buddha Bowl Cut.)

* Tonight @ 8 p.m.  Join me and the rest of Whiskey Rebellion for a free night of improv comedy.  The iO Theater - 3541 N Clark.  Get there early.  It fills up fast.


 

To comment, click the blog entry title and scroll to the bottom. E-mail: ben.bowman(AT)nbcuni.com

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