* So "American Idol" judges used their "save" last night. Matt Giraud is safe for now. He'll go home next week, presumably with Lil. Can I bear to sit through disco week? Unlikely. Disco is flamboyant and goofy and awful, much like Adam.
* In 2007, Rod Blagojevich sent Lou Piniella advice on how to run the Cubs. If it worked both ways, that would explain a lot. Piniella was probably signalling Aramis Ramirez to steal and Blago thought the message was meant for him.
* 9-year-old boy gets angry at mom and retaliates by burning down a Dollar Store. Outrageous, yes. But it could be worse. When another mom refused to pay a $2 cover charge for her son, he stabbed her and shot her three times with an AK-47. Obviously the Dollar Store mom got off light.
* Brother 1: "Hey, Bro. Can I have that can of pork and beans?"
Brother 2: "No."
Brother 1: (Stab.)
* Matchmakers are busier than ever. Well, that's what they say. In reality, I've spent the past four months flooding all of them with desperate requests in different handwriting. I figure one of them will take me on eventually.
* Lindsay Lohan is looking for love... Maybe she can go to rehab and find romance with fellow human trainwreck Jeff Conaway.
* More white people are going to prison for drugs these days. Just like the stereotype.
* Are you in a bromance? Such stories are the result of a slow news cycle. Bromances are no newer today than they were in the days of Abbott & Costello, Kramden & Norton or Flintstone & Rubble. But now we have a catchy new term for "male friendships," so everyone goes a little nuts. What if I coin a term? "Nomance." It means being totally, helplessly alone. Suck on that, news media. The term was born here. I'm available for interviews.
* New Jersey is going to make teen drivers put a special sticker in their windshield. As if you couldn't already identify a teen driver from a mile away. They're the ones with a cell phone in one ear, their iPod in the other, one hand on a Jonas Brothers doll, the other on one of those newfangled hula hoops. And they're always listening to that rock and roll and drinking soda pop and not even wearing a coat and tie like respectable youth. (Shakes cane.)
* Hey, kid! That homemade plastic parachute isn't going to... (thump) ... break your fall. (Darwin: 1, Stupid Kid: 0)
* 50-year-old mother spends more than $20,000 on plastic surgery to look like her daughter. This investment would have made more sense if her daughter were attractive.
* "Excuse me, Nurse. Could you step out of the operating room for a second? Thanks. You're fired."
* Geek Alert! Behold the 8 most stupid "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episodes. My vote goes for any episode showcasing Wesley Crusher or Worf's frighteningly deformed son. Kids have an astounding way of ruining movies and TV. It is the rare kid who doesn't instantly drive a story into the ground.
* Will Ferrell goes out to shoot an episode of "Man vs. Wild." He lasted three hours before Bear Grylls sliced him open and wore his skin as a coat.
* Iraq News: Execution-style murders are the leading cause of death. Ohhhhh... look at the time! We've gotta go. Thanks for everything. Sorry about breaking your country. Enjoy freedom.
* October 2009 - Baconfest Chicago. Prepare your belly, and your last will and testament.
* The finals of Chicago's "So You Think You Can Strip" competition are tonight. While those are going on, I will be sitting in my apartment as the lone finalist in a competition I like to call, "So You Think You're Awkward Around Women."
* Man tries to rob Russian beauty salon, ends up as a handcuffed sex slave to one of the female stylists. Add to Bucket List: Attempt to rob Russian beauty salon.