* Reason #3,728 the 1970s should be forcibly burned from our collective memories: The Paul Lynde Halloween Special.
But wait! There's more! Part 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.
Everything about this is awful. The costumes. The Scooby-Doo laugh track. The music. KISS. The more I think about it, the only good thing to come out of the 1970s was me.
* Given how big a story the Michael Jackson death is, let's think back to the death of Elvis for a sec. Did you know CBS didn't even begin their newscast with news of the King's demise? They began with a story about the Panama Canal. For me to have led my newscast with a story other than Michael Jackson, we would have had to have had video of Johnny Depp putting Osama bin Laden in a headlock while curing cancer and making out with a naked Megan Fox. If it happened to take place in the Panama Canal, so be it.
* Sarah Palin believes she can beat President Obama in a foot race. Ugh. Even her quotes in print make me wince. She's like our collective aunt, all folksy and dripping with "you betchas" and "okey dokeys" and "fer sures." How did this yokel get to be so close to the vice presidency?
* Is Simon Cowell worth $144 million per year to "American Idol"? Yes. He's the only good thing about that show. Bigger question - Why is his head getting continually flatter and more Frankensteiny?
* Proof that Joe Jackson is still an amazing father: Responding to a question about his family coping with Michael's death with a shout-out to his record label. (Jump to 3:09)
* Incredibly, mixing poor people and rich people in the same building hasn't been a fantastic success. Maybe the government will have better luck forcing a four-star chef to cook his meals out of a flaming trash can in a urine-soaked alley.
* There is a snake that tricks fish into swimming into its mouth. Man, if I could find a way to do that with women...
* Breathe easy, fans of goofy-lookin' food. Starting today, you can buy ugly fruits and veggies in Europe again.
* Think you might get laid off? There's always the "murder your boss" option.
Previously... "I want a phone company that will murder my boss."
* 5 Ways to Make NBC's "The Office" Much Better. I agree with most of these. Creed is by far the best thing on the show. My favorite line of his? When relaying his preferred birthday cake he said, "Tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means." Michael, Jim and Pam just annoy me now.
* Stress makes a man act dangerously, while women become more cautious. Guess that explains why, in the waning seconds of the Stanley Cup Finals, I signed up for an adjustable rate mortgage and agreed to meet a total stranger for unprotected sex on Craigslist.
* Finally, you must watch this 1993 Chicago-based music video from Jan Terri. The combination of her angelic voice, enormous hair and morbid obesity is an inspiration to us all.
