Ben’s Breakfast Blog

In Today's Episode of "Dr. Cement Mixer"...

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    NEWSLETTERS

    * "The blog isn't the biggest priority right now." - El Jefe

    Not so, sir.  The blog IS a big priority.  I promised its return today and I am true to my word.  Right now, the Peacock's Nest is in a bit of a freak-out over the implementation of our new newsroom computer system.  We gave it a pseudo-trial today and it will definitely take some getting used to.  Here's the new system in a nutshell...

    "Hey, you appear to be a gifted surgeon."
    "Thank you."
    "How would you like to operate a cement mixer while you perform a tracheotomy?"
    "Um, I kinda need to concentrate."
    "Great.  You'll be in charge of tracheotomies AND cement mixing starting tomorrow."

    While I am a skilled surgeon and one hell of a cement mixer, I think this new system leaves something to be desired.  Oh, well.  At least I'm employed.  ("At least I'm employed" is the best anyone can hope for in this economy.)

    * I am not man enough to ride a roller coaster on modified roller skates.  But this guy is.

    * The years have not been kind to Link from "The Legend of Zelda."

     

    * Props to "Best Week Ever" for finding a great bargain on used condoms.

    * America's favorite ice cream flavor is chocolate.  Our least favorite?  Ham.

    * Each generation of women is hotter than the last.  Then again, the last generation is all old and wrinkly, so that's not much of a feat.

    * "Think about all the things you can stick this tasty, extraordinarily large sausage in."

    * Red wine makes women horny.  Coincidentally, that's the title of Rex Grossman's autobiography.

    * You know what every shopping mall needs?  A sculpture of a nude family out front.

    * Remember Jake Lloyd, the kid who almost single-handedly ruined "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" (were it not for George Lucas' awful script and Jar Jar Binks)?  Here he is, all grown up and puffy and nerdy.  Yikes.

    * Money relieves pain.  ...when you convert it into morphine and numb yourself out.

    * Sleeping helps women drop their pregnancy weight.  Man, some journalists will do anything to convince their husbands to do more of the work.

    * 28-year-old woman gets carded when trying to buy a pizza cutter.  Wait.  What?

    Bad: My allergy to cats.
    Worse: This guy's allergy to wi-fi.

    * This guy's idea to convert a church into a religious-themed gym holds up until about the fourth paragraph, where his theology gets a little hazy.

    * "Lost" is bringing back characters from the first season.  Good.  Because I wasn't already confused enough.

    * Female artist complains that 83% of nude paintings in a New York museum are of women.  There's a reason for that, lady.  Have you seen a naked man?  We are just a godawful mess.

    * During my blog absence, I learned how to use Final Cut Pro.  Also, I exorcised my first demon.  The exorcism required fewer steps.

    * I am generally awful with women.  This guy is worse.  (An excellent investment of four minutes and 28 seconds.)

    * Taller athletes are faster.  Next thing you know, we're going to learn that the ones with the biggest muscles are the strongest.

    * That troll approaching you might actually be a therapist in disguise.  "World of Warcraft" is the refuge of the uberdork.

    "Harry Potter's" Daniel Radcliffe grew up surrounded by gays.  Or maybe he just thought they were gay because of the British accents.

    * How to make Kool-Aid wine.  Happy summer, everyone!

    * No surprise: Ultra-religious guy is a virgin.
    On second thought: Did I mention he's a Heisman trophy-winning quarterback?

    * Did that guy's "United Breaks Guitars" song really cost the airline $180 million?  I need to write a song about how bad I've been shafted by Chicago's parking ticket brigade.  What rhymes with "sodomized"?

    * And finally, Jason Piazza moved to Los Angeles this weekend.  But before he went, he gave some of the best/worst advice ever.  If you confronted your doppelganger, how would you respond?