Ben’s Breakfast Blog

"I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so... scared!"

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* This weekend, I found myself discussing one of the most famous freakouts in TV history.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Jessie from "Saved by the Bell" on too many caffeine pills...

Condoms are too big for most Indian men.  And yet India has more than a billion people.  How does that work?  Shallow vaginas?

* Thursday is "Talk Like Shakespeare Day" in Chicago.  I bite my thumb at this idea.  (Exit, pursued by a bear.)

* The New Economy™ has some people getting off on "pessimism porn."  I practically invented the stuff.  A lifelong Detroit Lions fan, I found myself daydreaming about how bad they could become.  And sure enough, they became worse than every other team that ever existed, failing to win a single game in 2008.  It was glorious.  In a world of greys, there is the stark black-and-white contrast of unmitigated failure.  And I love it.  So let's keep ginning up this Worst Economy Ever bandwagon.  It'll make it easier for me to buy a house someday.

* Giant fire-breathing spiders invaded Japan over the weekend.  Seriously.  Humans obsolete in 3, 2, 1...

* Hate your job?  Here are some ideas to cope.  My favorite: "Create a diversion for yourself in the office."  Does setting fires count?  'Cause that's how I get through a rough morning.

* Apparently, having children turns a woman into a lunatic.  Take the example of the woman who was so worried she'd wake her children on a long car trip, she grabbed a diaper and urinated into that.  Who was the last woman to do that?  Crazy NASA Stalker-Lady Lisa Nowak.  Hey, ladies.  Knock it off.  Pee in the toilet.  Unless you want your kids to be totally mental.

* When a dad can't handle taking care of the family dog anymore, he's willing to pay $500 to have someone "steal" the pooch and take it to a new home.  Kinda makes me wonder if my parents were lying to me about my older brother Todd who mysteriously vanished one summer.

* The Breakfast Blog Man Hall of Fame is proud to induct George Turner, a coot who can snipe a bumblebee from the sky with his slingshot...

* Founders of the lovely website "The Pirate Bay" have been found guilty of breaching copyright, and each will spend a year in prison.  I wonder if the authorities are hip to this place called "the library," where music, movies and books are just handed out to anyone who wants them.  Oh, and there's a thing called a "radio" where music plays all the time and you never have to pay a dime.  What's that about?  Who can we jail for that?

Despite your beer goggles, you can still make out a person's age.  Nice to know that with enough booze, Sharon Stone would look beautiful again, although she'd still appear to be the vibrant 78-year-old we all know and love.

* I went to Texas de Brazil yesterday.  That place is incredible.  The World Wildlife Foundation just put another six animals on the endangered species list because I inhaled so many.  Entire herds were corralled into my mouth.  Phenomenal.  I stand by my original review of its glorious meatitude.

* Those who can't do, teach.  Those who teach sometimes take their students to male strip clubs.  She says she had the parents' permission.  What did that permission slip entail?  "I hereby allow Mrs. So-and-so to take my daughter to the strip club so she can have sack flung in her face"?

The average Briton knows 10 recipes by heart.  I know just one: toast.

Here's some of the stuff that'll be different on Microsoft's new version of Windows.  Don't worry, the endless freezing and crashing remains the same.

Northwestern University launches a class on how to create viral videos.  Lesson 1: Just do what the hyper-brilliant producer of the 4:30 a.m. show does...

38,424 hits

22,521 hits (and play on the G4 Network's "Attack of the Show")

21,573 hits

Here endeth the lesson.

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