* Jason Piazza has a million friends. Let's ask him how he does it.
We won't get many more episodes of this glorious show as Jason is moving off to Hollywood, leaving me here with questions and no answers. I plan to sit down for one more round with the Smartest Man Alive™, so if you have a question, be sure to get it to me soon at AskJasonPiazza@gmail.com
And if you want to thank Jason for his wisdom in person, tomorrow will be his final performance with the all-star assassins of Whiskey Rebellion. The show starts at 8 p.m. at the iO Theater cabaret (3541 N Clark - just south of Wrigley Field). Tickets are FREE and the theater is sure to be packed for this special night, so come early if you want a seat. If you have never seen improvised comedy, your mind will be blown. And you can high-five me if you want.
* A Berlin whorehouse is offering a $7 discount if you ride there on a bicycle. In other news, many riders just broke off from the Tour de France route...
* Meanwhile, a New Zealand athlete is opening a brothel to pay for his Olympic training. Boy, it's a shame "whore wrangling" isn't an event, 'cause this guy could come home with two golds.
* President Obama's worst nightmare came to life yesterday when his teleprompter crashed to the ground. He finished his news conference by convincing the press corps to shout, "Yes we can," over and over.
* You can now get sunshine insurance for your vacation. (i.e., no sunshine, you get reimbursed for your vacation) Given my freakish albinism, I want the policy where I get paid if the sun comes out at all. Who's up for sunscreen re-application every quarter hour? This guy!
* In California, it is illegal to eat an orange in your bathtub. But what if you're using your tub as a boat, and you're trapped on the Pacific Ocean, and you need to eat that orange to stave off scurvy? WHAT THEN?
* Des Moines is considering repealing its ban against dancing after 2 a.m. I have never seen the movie "Footloose," but based on my limited knowledge of it, this would seem like an appropriate time to reference one of its scenes. Go ahead. I'll wait.
I'm going to say something controversial here. Any movie featuring a Kenny Loggins song has not held up well. You heard me.
* The recession is eroding men's identities. I will be chronicling this moment in time in my new memoir, "I, Loretta."
* Women have a harder time quitting smoking because they are giant balls of emotion. Tobacco and emotion. And mind-games. That's a woman in a nutshell.
* A Saudi family is suing a genie, because it is obviously leaving nasty messages on their cell phones. I would make fun of them, but I'm afraid of driving up oil prices any further.
* There is no way I can post anything about a comedian named Raaaaaaaandy on this blog and still remain employed. But I find his total dissection of Dane Cook to be mind-blowing.
And I think I hate Jonah Hill. He's like your friend's friend that your friend swears is totally funny, but when you meet him, you're just annoyed. That's Jonah Hill to me.
* And finally, onetime Hefner play-thing Holly Madison apparently got married to the Travelocity gnome. Great. A ceramic decoration is getting more play than me.