* First, something light and delicious to enjoy. Check out how we ambushed Rob yesterday morning. He had no idea this was coming...
* Now a moment of sheer hell: Last year, NBC decided to automate everything. Basically, we put HAL-9000 in charge of our TV control room. Ever wonder what happens when HAL decides not to cooperate?
We found out today. The entire system crashed. My crew did a heroic job to pull off my show. For a moment, it was like the old days - actual humans controlling the various aspects of a live TV show. It wasn't always pretty, but I think the average viewer wouldn't know the chaos occurring behind the scenes. Toward the end of my show, HAL decided to turn himself back on. Judging by the current newsroom chatter, he may be getting drowsy again. All of this is why the Amish will survive when our technology rises up to kill us.
* Court rules that a mother is stalking her son because she keeps calling him on the phone. Next time my mom calls, I'm just gonna pick up and start yelling, "Precedent! Precedent! Precedent!" and then hang up.
* Today's drunken idiot trying to impress a girl is... the guy who grabbed a high-powered bow and started shooting arrows at neighboring homes.
* Don't you hate it when you're relaxing on a massage chair at the mall and a suicide jumper falls in your lap? Yeah, me, too.
* Martial arts + music + magic + late 1980s TV production technology = This gem.
* Getting promoted is going to make your life hell. I believe it. Would I want to be in charge of people like me? Pfffft.
* Slow news day over at the Wall Street Journal, where their etiquette columnist informs us if it's ever okay to wear sweatpants in public. The consensus among the members of Whiskey Rebellion is that wearing sweatpants is a sign you've given up.
* Fat men get promoted, fat women do not. Mustard stains are just more becoming on men. Sorry, gals.
* Should you tip when you get carryout? I vote no. Why should I pay someone to reach behind them and hand me something? Are they going to tip me for pulling the money from my wallet and handing it to them?
* Condolences to our Rhode Island affiliate for the least effective interview of all time.
* Sorry, Oregon. Your state house has outlawed throwing your semen at someone. (Question: How often is semen being flung at people that they need to legislate against it?)
* I don't mean to panic anybody, but in Louisiana, there's a guy who just randomly ran up, bit a chunk out of a dude's arm, swallowed it and ran away. This is how zombie movies start. And now, real life is a zombie movie.
According to this quiz, I have a 57% chance of surviving a zombie attack. That seems pretty low. I have seen enough zombie movies to know what I have to do. Getting out of the city would be tricky. I'm inclined to just stay in my apartment long enough for the zombies to die off. That said, there's a plentiful food supply in Chicago. With all the holdouts, it would be months before the zombies die of starvation. Mmmm... maybe 57% is high.
* And finally, today is the 1-year anniversary of "Dance Friday." Here's a look back at the moneymaker-shakin' over the past year. (My only appearance all year comes 46 seconds in. For those two seconds of terror, I can never apologize enough.)