Ben’s Breakfast Blog

Hot Mess

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    NEWSLETTERS

    * "I hate the new blog!"  "Where are the pictures?"  "This looks boring!"

    Yes.  I know.  We're working on it.  On every other website on the planet, aligning an image to the right makes it look nice and tidy, as you would have seen on the previous blog incarnation.  Wrestling with this new monster, we get a jacked-up result like so.  (I am told the "national team" is working on this matter.)

    Another issue is that HAL-9000 likes to generate "contextual links," meaning links I don't want cluttering up my blog will just automatically appear.  I'm told I can manually go through after the blog is posted to blow them away, but this seems an annoying extra step.  But you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.  At the moment, my blog looks like someone filled a grenade launcher with ostrich eggs and pulled the trigger.

    But I am convinced we will fix all this, and you will be enchanted with the end result.  Stand by.

    * Last night I had the pleasure of meeting Chicago's reigning Air Guitar champion.  He goes by the name of "Nordic Thunder."  NT told me the story of Bettie B. Goode, an East Coast air guitarist who totally jacked her foot during a competition and eventually had a toe amputated because of it.  Choice quote: "By the time I hit the ground and looked down, my toe was pretty much gone and just hanging from a thread."

    New Zealand women are getting bigger breasts.  Are you going to stand for that, American breasts?

    * In America, everyone loves chicken fingers.  In Germany, awesome taste is not enough of a marketing gimmick.  Enter: "Obama Fingers."  Yum?

    * If you didn't bring enough marriage for everybody, nobody can have it.  Great solution, guys!  That won't possibly create a backfire among the straight community.

    * Welcome to the New Economy™, where a company can't find 250 people worth hiring, so they fire 200.

    * You know your country's security is airtight when the "Borat" guy infiltrates your National Guard.  Somewhere, Dick Cheney crumples a paper and grits his teeth.

    * Defense wins championships.  And no defense is more impenetrable than a fan who's willing to shoot the opposing players when they try to score.

    * Awesome scientists create a laser gun to kill millions of mosquitoes at once.  I wonder if it works on other pests, like those people on the El who think everyone wants to hear their conversation with the person sitting next to them.

    * "And if you through a party and invited everyone you ever knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say, 'Thank you for being a friend who I murdered and ate.'"

    4% of people my age would flirt to get ahead in the workplace.  To counter the looming layoffs at NBC, I've taken to undoing one button each day.  By April, I will parade around shirtless.  This will either turn everyone on or terrify them, so I can use my shirt as bargaining leverage.

    The new Dora the Explorer is not quite as hot as her silhouette let on.  Parents are relieved.  I am disappointed.  Hot cartoon characters are awesome.  Here's my top ten...

    10. Smurfette (novelty factor)
    9. She-Ra
    8. Brittany from the "Chipettes"
    7. Princess Aurora from "Voltron"
    6. Ariel from "The Little Mermaid"
    5. Jem (overlooking the pink hair)
    4. Belle from "Beauty and the Beast"
    3. Daphne from "Scooby Doo"
    2. Cleo from "Heathcliff"  (leg warmers = hotness)
    1. Jessica Rabbit (props to Jessica Biel on SNL a couple weeks ago.)
     

    Who wants "Star Trek" cologne?  The Shatner fragrance smells like ham.

    * Among the stupidest ideas ever is this: Changing the name of the Sci Fi Channel to "Syfy."  Nerds are not a demographic you want to antagonize.  They have access to mosquito death lasers.

    * Speaking of nerds, the first official meeting of the Chicago Nerd Social Club is May 7.  By their nature, nerds shun human contact, so this will be interesting.  Probably one dude in a homemade Gimli costume sitting at the bar with a laptop, clicking through his "World of Warcraft" campaign, waiting in futility for other nerds to arrive..

    * Finally, I give you... blind bowling.  The alley owner is more than a little upset half his balls were rolled through the parking lot.