Ben’s Breakfast Blog

Hey, Monday. Go to Hell.

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* Hope you had a lovely Easter.  I did absolutely nothing to celebrate.  Easter is a cool holiday when you're a kid - candy, hunting for goodies, a mini-Halloween without all the door-to-door hassle.  As an adult, it's a pretty lame holiday unless you have kids of your own.  The next holiday worth looking forward to is... Thanksgiving?  Yeah, I'm gonna go with Thanksgiving.

In Sweden, little girls dress up as Easter witches.  Sweden just went up a notch in my book.

Also in Sweden: Lego Jesus.  America is just falling so far behind here.

Venezuelans eat giant rodents for Easter.  Okay.  So America is somewhere between Sweden and Venezuela on the coolness meter.

* It's Opening Day at Wrigley Field.  Oh, joy.  That means I get to swim through a tangle of drunken humanity every time I go to the iO Theater for the next five months.  I swear, trying to navigate Wrigleyville is impossible during the games.  It's like every inebriated baseball fan links arms, forming a giant clot in the arterial streets.  I'm putting you on notice, Cubs Nation - as soon as I get off the Red Line, I'm swinging my fists.

And some overzealous Cubs fan draped a dead goat over the Harry Caray statue this morning.  You stay classy, Chicago.

* On the South Side, some wussy Sox fan is suing the team after being injured in the tussle for a free T-shirt launched in the crowd.  When you go to a sporting event in this city, be prepared to kill or be killed.  Such is the law of the jungle.

* Today has been frustrating.  If only I had access to a video game with unrelenting violence for unrelenting violence's sake.  Oh, look!

* Fact: You do not need to say, "Just FYI" before every sentence.  Just say whatever you're going to say.  Saying, "Just FYI" before every sentence makes people want to punch you for delaying their information by precious seconds.

* Scientists discover nerves that transmit pleasure.  Really?  Did they just figure out how zippers work?  Some scientists.

* See, Billy Bob?  This is what happens when you act like an enormous ass.  You have to cancel your concerts.  Perhaps you can go back to playing in your mom's garage.  She's the only one who wants to listen to your sucky songs anyway.  Hey, do you still have that subscription to the monster magazine?

British police are finding body parts scattered all over the country.  "Nothing to see here.  Move along.  Move along.  And watch your step.  We've only found about half the guy."

A Saudi judge refuses to annul the marriage of an 8-year-old girl to a 47-year-old man.  This begs the question, what is Drew Peterson doing in Saudi Arabia?

Classy:  There's a website for rich old men to pay hot young women for sex.  This will come in handy for me when I become totally rich.  Because we all know a ton of TV news producers who are filthy, filthy rich.

* Overrun by kangaroos, Australia is considering a mass kangaroo slaughter.  Eeyore and Pooh are inconsolable.

Zombies are more popular than ever.  This is awesome.  The best part of every zombie movie is when one of the heroes gets bitten and his friend tries to defend him, but the guy turns into a zombie anyway and eats his friend.  There's always the guy who tries to hide it.  "I'll be fine," he says, moments before spewing blood and eating someone.  Zombies are cool because they can make instant villains of any hero.

* Can drinking lots of water help you lose weight?  Not sure, but drinking lots of Drano will.

* Fox News Channel's Glenn Beck announces a comedy tour.  I wonder if all his jokes will go over as well as this one...

... and I thought I was repulsive to women.

* And now... 9 signs of mental illness.  (#3 - Roots for the Detroit Lions.  #7 - Has worked an overnight shift for more than two years.)

Gay elephant.

* When the weather sucks, you remember things better.  Wonderful.  'Cause the last six months have just been fantastic.  I can't wait to relive all my favorite memories of that Christmas dinner when my brother pulled a knife on my old man.

* Ridiculous politicians are getting the bright idea to charge their constituents for everyday services.  Need an ambulance?  That'll cost you.  Enjoy streetlights?  That'll cost you.  Leave your engine idling while waiting to pick up your kid from school?  Yeah, that'll cost you, too.  (Great quote from the story: "There is a mentality here that Johnny can’t walk 100 feet, he has to be dropped off right at the front of the school — and frankly that’s why Johnny is as pudgy as he is.")

* Who wants to drink bacon-flavored bourbon with maple syrup?  (Doing so forever revokes your ability to kiss another human.)

Just 24% of single people are happy.  Funny, that's the exact same percentage of women who've turned me down for dates.

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