* I notice there is no place for you to leave comments on the blog. I am outraged. What is a blogger without his sycophantic army of acolytes? He is nothing but a howler monkey, shrieking into the dark abyss of the internet jungle. (Rest assured, we have our best people working on fixes to all these bugs.)
* This is disturbing. Just... disturbing.
What happens on your backswing if you don't screw the cap on tight enough?
* Women are lucky. Apparently, they can have an orgasm while giving birth. I made the mistake of keeping my speakers up while clicking on the article's supplied YouTube trailer for a documentary about the phenomenon. The thing starts with this chorus of moans. It's the kind of thing I imagine Rob has as his ringtone.
* Don't panic or anything, but the Whole Foods Market in Tulsa is now home to the WORLD'S DEADLIEST SPIDER! (And aging self-righteous granola munchers. And spiders!)
* Ladies, be honest. If you walked into a guy's apartment and you saw a life-sized replica of Captain Kirk's chair, you'd just strip naked and beg the guy to marry you, right? Right? I would.
* You're the owner of a tree nursery in Olathe, Kansas. Because of a terrible economy, no one can buy your trees. Do you...
A) Donate the trees to local families.
B) Bulldoze and burn them.
* Not every 8th grader can get suspended from riding the bus because of the power of his farts. That is the kind of reputation you don't shake. Ever. This kid could discover the cure for cancer, and everyone would still refer to him as "Fart Guy."
* New Jersey wants you to stop waxing your crotch. After all, they are the garden state, not the landing strip state.
* Some woman over at the Sun-Times gives us 10 Things Every Guy Should Know. The list is moot as it does not include "how to kill another man with your bare hands."
* The Foxy Lady strip club in Rhode Island is having a job fair this weekend. I can't decide whether that manager is lucky or cursed. He's bound to see some really... unqualified applicants workin' the pole. I mean, there are only so many Wal-Mart greeter jobs in a community.
* Things are so bad in Japan, they have a specific forest where everyone goes to commit suicide. You look in there and see Bigfoot putting a noose around his neck, Paul Bunyan swinging his axe toward his throat, Hansel & Gretel soaking their bread crumbs in bleach...
* If you're pondering a trip to the Japanese suicide forest, why not just eat the four worst things in your mall food court instead? Death by deliciousness is a much better way to go.
For the record, I don't know that any food item could possibly be worse than KFC's Famous Bowls. (NSFW language)
* Administrators essentially ran the Dallas Public School system like Thunderdome. I bet the entire population of band nerds was whittled down to one insanely 'roided-up oboe player.
* In Massachusetts, 75% of firefighters and paramedics are overweight or obese. But on the plus side, they don't have to bother with sirens since the sound of their absurdly wheezy breath is sufficient to clear traffic. (Cue Adam Sandler's "Fatty McGee.")
* Here's how you know life sucks in my home state: Habitat for Humanity is actually tearing down houses.
* Dissatisfied married women are going online to set up affairs. I feel I'm doing women a favor by not even attempting to marry, then dissatisfy them, so they can skip straight to anonymous sex with strangers. You're welcome, ladies.
* Schaumburg Township Library will thank you to take your B.O. elsewhere. Sorry, Farty Bus Kid.
* Today I blog from home. My computer at work has become unbearably slow. Switching between windows takes more than 20 seconds at times. For the third time in a month, I called our tech support crew... in India. They inform me "local IT" will hammer out the problem. Since local IT doesn't arrive until several hours into my REM cycle, I abandoned my computer for my reliable workhorse at home.
Is there anybody who doesn't hate his work computer? These things are always laden with 45 anti-virus programs that gum up every simple operation. What's more, you're stuck with the garbage programs that came with the machine.
Want Java? Sorry, you don't have permission to add that. Sick of looking at my blog in Internet Explorer, where it looks like Gallagher went sledgehammer-crazy on my images? Sorry, you can't download Firefox. Can't print? Why don't you just cool your heels for a few hours until the computer guys come down and straighten that out for you?
Perhaps I'm not articulate enough to express my frustration. Thank God for incredibly amateur YouTube videos.
(That's the kind of thing I might have created in middle school. I was/am an enormous nerd.)