Ben’s Breakfast Blog

Good Defeats Evil

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* Suck it, Adam.

Some people are chalking this up to homophobia.  I chalk it up to the fact that Adam sounded like a helium-huffing squirrel caught in a wood chipper.  Alan Sepinwall gives a nice wrap-up of why good defeated evil.

As far as the rest of the finale, it was your typical "Idol" finale goofiness.  We got a lovely glimpse of an enhanced Bikini Girl, and a brief view of Kara DioGuardi in a swimsuit, making that the only decent contribution she's made to the entire season.  And then we had a parade of singers who haven't been relevant in at least 25 years.  (Cyndi Lauper?  Lionel Richie?  KISS?  What, were Dexy's Midnight Runners booked?)

85% of college students are stressed, 42% feel hopeless.  Certainly captures my collegiate experience.

* 5 Lies your parents told you.  (In my case, "We love you" seems like a pretty obvious falsehood.)

Astronauts have been given the go-ahead to recycle their urine into water.  At last report, those aboard the International Space Station were just staring at each other and periodically muttering, "You first."

File Image: Human Skull* Most stories involving power drills and 12-year-olds' skulls don't end this happily.

Yes, the Vancouver Olympic torch looks like a joint.

RunPee.com is the only website to tell you the best times to relieve yourself during the movies.  Or you could just aim it down the aisle like I do.

* I'll admit that when I saw a link for a website that could predict the best job for you based on which colors you prefer, I was skeptical.  Then I took the test, filled out fake compulsory information and received the result.  I am astounded.

Best Occupational Category: You're a CREATOR

These original types place a high value on aesthetic qualities and have a great need for self-expression. They enjoy working independently, being creative, using their imagination, and constantly learning something new. Fields of interest are art, drama, music, and writing or places where they can express, assemble, or implement creative ideas.

Okay, that's just creepy.  I'm backing away from the computer slowly.

* Because I love you, here's a boy with 43 snails on his face.

Congress finally votes to allow guns in state parks and wildlife refuges.  Ugh.  Why don't they hurry up and let us pack heat on airplanes already?  My airborne bloodlust will not be quenched!

* You know what I really want in my bathroom?  Pillows for me to kneel in front of the toilet.  I also want a chin-up bar from which to poop.

* Did you know public schools aren't required to provide sex ed in Illinois?  Allow me.  Kids, just grow up to be horribly awkward in social situations.  See?  Now you never have to worry about pregnancy.

* Looking for something totally stupid to blow your money on?  Hit up MaybeYouShouldntBuyThat.com.

If you drop your gold tooth in the toilet, don't go in after it.  Especially at a baseball stadium.  "At one point, she became more entertaining than the game as fans gathered outside the bathroom near Section 338 to see the off-field action."

There is an enormous man who roams the streets of New York.  He has been dubbed "He-Man."  A blog tracks him wherever he roams.  He is a recovering drug addict and has a rubber eye.  And I don't know why I'm sharing this.

* Remember the L.A. Times article about freelance joke writers for late night comedy shows?  I wrote Letterman.  Here's what I heard back...

Hi Ben-

Although we love reading and hearing funny ideas for the show, because of CBS policies and the volume of material we receive, we cannot accept any videos, tapes, cds, articles, photos, etc. or unsolicited ideas. We apologize for this, and thank you for your continued support and interest in the LATE SHOW.
Sorry the L.A. Times led you the wrong way!
Your pals at the LATE SHOW

Should I believe the Los Angeles Times or some rulebook-spouting CBS intern?  Hmmmm....

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